Emma

I am childless because I had a hysterectomy to treat cervical cancer.
I was 35 years old.
Still time, I thought, to establish a partnership and a family.
The time I have instead is time to make peace with my new reality.

This reality is varied.
I often feel out of place around groups of parents.
I switch off and feel bored.
I feel selfish.
I try to be kind to myself and say of course it’s boring.

I’ve felt desperately sad, a deep sense of loss and painful grief.
I’ve sat with it in therapy and
I’ve survived it.
I know that each time I feel those things again
They’re not quite so intense
And I know that the feelings always move on
After a time.

My new reality also means
A certain freedom.
I only have to think of myself
(and the cat)
That’s not wholly true of course.

I volunteer.
I work.
I nourish relationships and friendships.
I interact with children and young people.
Because they still matter to me.
The childlike in me
Needs to be reflected by them.

My story will continue to evolve.
I offer myself kindness
During the times of returning sadness.
When my edges feel tender.
When I know my childlessness
Is not all there is to my story.