Anonymous, USA
I often wonder to myself: How long has it been that I have felt so overwhelmed by life? How did I get so far behind on the things that need to be done? Will I ever be able to feel content with life when it turned out so differently than I hoped for?
Being overwhelmed and lonely is not a new feeling for me, but rather have felt in varying degrees over the last 25 years or so. Unfortunately, try as I might I can’t seem to find relief. Throughout my life it seems as though the simple answer is to delegate or just make friends. That is a great solution but I’ve never had anyone to delegate to and making friends has never come easily.
Starting in my early 20’s my mom had a number of physical limitations that worsened over time and so many additional tasks were delegated to me. I was at a point in life where it was hard to work full-time and take care of my own obligations as well as take on the added responsibilities that my mom could no longer do. Yet there was no one for me to ask for help. Now, many years later I am still overwhelmed but in different ways.
In the ten years my husband and I have been married we have gone through an early miscarriage, the loss of our son to stillbirth at 38 weeks eight years ago, infertility, the death of my mom, and having come to terms of being childless not by choice. Needless to say it has been emotionally difficult and I have felt very alone. For a number of years all of that had weighed so heavily on me that I found it physically exhausting and draining to do the basic everyday things that need to get done – go to work, laundry, cleaning, make dinner, etc. I have come to realize that for me the path to acceptance of being childless not by choice is long and slow.
While acceptance is still very much a work in progress and something I continue to struggle with, I am slowly beginning to feel as though there are more days filled with motivation and ambition than not. I am very grateful for those days but now it is hard not to look around and see all of the things I have neglected and areas where clutter has happened. It makes me feel like something else I have failed at as a woman. Another thing that seems to come so easily for everyone else, but is so hard for me. I’m not striving for perfection, but I think I would feel a sense of accomplishment if some rooms were more tidy and organized and possibly as a way to help clear my mind.
I feel like now I have reached a point where I am tired of being overwhelmed, burned out, and running on empty. I recognize I need to do things differently in order for that to happen, but often don’t know where or how to start. My hope had been to find some books that would have useful and practical suggestions. However, with a few rare exceptions almost every book brings up how delegating can be such a useful way of getting tasks done. With the majority of those going on to share how much can be delegated to your children, and stories of tasks assigned to the author’s children and the funny and cute things they say or do when tasks are being done. Hearing those things are of no help to me and only serve as a reminder of what is missing in my life.
Similarly, it isn’t helpful when it is suggested to just pay someone to take care of the those things. Yes, sometimes professionals need to be hired because they have the skills, tools, and efficiency. Often though, that isn’t very practical not only because of the costs involved but I feel like I should take care of most household chores myself. I do sometimes wish that family would be more aware of how life has been so challenging and overwhelming and offer to help in some way, even if it would be for an afternoon. However, because they all have their own families I instead hear how busy they are and get the feeling that because I don’t have children that I can’t possibly have struggles with not having enough time to work on chores or time for self-care.
Over the years though I have tried to be content with what and who I have in my life, although it is very difficult living the life that is so different from the life I envisioned having. When faced with such loss, grief, and sadness over such a long time it is truly hard to find something that makes me feel joyful. Many years ago I enjoyed working on a number of needle arts like knitting, sewing, and cross-stitch. While I still enjoy crafting in those ways, I miss the energy and sense of accomplishment it used to provide. It just doesn’t feel the same now.
Unexpectantly, and to my surprise, I have found writing children’s stories to be extremely therapeutic. Besides occasionally journaling I wouldn’t say that I really have written anything or something I set out to do, and given the losses I have gone through may seem contradictory. For me, and for some brief moments, it gives me an escape from the emotions and feelings that can weigh so heavily. Maybe part of it for me is expressing the life lessons (friendship, kindness and compassion, and being helpful) I wanted to teach my children but never had the opportunity. While I know that it is very likely that no one else will ever read these stories, I would like to think that it is helping me on my path to acceptance of not having the family I always wanted.
