Louise
So the final diagnosis would be “unexplained infertility”.
Louise……… Mrs Apple ?,
I drifted from this world, from the mopped tiled floors and fluorescent lighting of the hospital outpatients.
Out the broken permanently shut window the pleasant ward garden and the low laying cloud.
To the space I inhabit in the lower stratosphere , unspecified uncharted unmapped, when trauma hits.
I could sense everyone in the room was left hanging I could sense the vacant look on my face, the stilted stalled “Oh ….” That never left my lips frozen in the air, Petes grey face as he attempted to muster up the correct amount of empathy and the consultant nurse cheerily but with compassion attempting to hold the rope of my hot air balloon as I drifted further away and the scene started to last longer than it should have an uncomfortable cough from the imagined audience a squeaking of creaking seats as they shifted in their positions feeling suddenly hot and bothered and wondering what time the X5 next left on the route home…..,
I was far from home on my cloud in the heavenly realm I touched my babies face not the three I had aborted at the tender ages of 17 and 19 but the rainbow baby I had been promised by the universe by God by Pete, the atonement baby that I would love and cherish beyond all earthly limitations that I would protect and nurture and Teach like my mum had me how to navigate this odd life we had been gifted, that I would take to the world and show them see I’m not broken, useless unwanted I’m not unhealthy or ugly I’m beautiful and with child we would fashion out a life of new promise and hope. I touched her face a little girl I perceived and beheld her beautiful smile my child indeed with flowing auburn hair from Pete no doubt. Her name Eleowen from the Cornish name for Elm tree, a magical mystical tree that would put down roots and be grounded and far outrun me in commitment and faithfulness a beautiful soul.
“Louise ……” Petes unusual assertive utterance brought me crashing back down to earth.
“As I was saying fertility treatment or IVF is something to consider and further tests would be incorporated into the pricing”. The nurse carried on she’d obviously been talking for sometime.
In slow motion I looked at Pete I saw his face more money he’s thinking more drain on my finances with a house that we can barely afford and this useless wife who can’t work as a nurse anymore. Because of her mental health issues she would probably be able to carry full term anyway due to her meds and high anxiety that’s if we even do manage to conceive with her old wood wormed gnarly womb,
I stared at him I thought I would feel anger but all I felt was compassion for this poor man who clearly married the wrong kinda girl who am I kidding the wrong girl who would miss out on so much love & joy and I would be the reason.
I stepped into my invisibility coat and lost another piece of my soul to the devil never again would my eyes have the same light the same hope the same belief in life. That sentence may of well been a life sentence, there were lots of times I should’ve been handed down one of them but I’d lived & lived and it had never come then without warning today I was ambushed by my demons and mauled not today I said inwardly not here not with Pete not at this point in my life. I was just so tired of paying the price for mistakes I’d made in my maiden hood as an old woman now I knew my hope had been slim but now I knew the transition to old crone was complete.
All the sex, all the pandering to his every whim all the sex games all the nagging the pleading the hoping & praying he would at least cum inside me and not ask me to finish him off with my hand or mouth, the charts the planning the tablets everything I’d tried on my own to fulfill my yearning and aching heart, my mummy’s face suddenly floated across my mind she would never be a grandma she would never have a laughing child bouncing on her knee not from me anyway, she could never teach her to play piano our tea parties and trips to the beach would be empty meaningless family holidays would lose their gleam no dressing her up as a princess outside Cinderellas castle in Orlando as we’d dreamed as we all slipped off into old age and death no sound of children’s playing would fill our halls. I say our & we where Pete was in all this I do not know certainly he accepted our fate as if it was a forgone conclusion and in the end it was not the quality of his sperm that hurt me so much but his quality of fucks given of no prioritising of no shared goal of no effort all he had had to do was bang me ffs people conceive after rape after all love had fuck all to do with it.
So I sat and listened to the nurse more tests more money more tests more money just follow the yellow brick road and then you’ll find Oz. I tapped my ruby red shoes together “Theres no place like home”. And then we were leaving
In the car we agreed that we would NOT go down the IVF route, destroyed and shattered I could not muster the strength to argue other things would take priority a new astroturf lawn a new car decorate the lounge.
I was done and empty of all emotion.
I greeted my dog Tilly with a faint flickering of love kindling in my heart oh I thought in the part of me that shattered in the lower stratosphere there WAS still love in the world there is still love in the world from then on she became my life I threw my whole life at her the walks the agility lessons the runs on the beach her birthday parties with all the family present and a special doggy cake. The holidays to Cornwall the cuddles by the log stove in winter the grass seed warnings the tick relief the hair brushing the doggy onesies the play dates with neighbour’s dogs. All the licking kisses, the licking my falling tears when sadness took a hold.
She witnessed every part of my life and my family all were her witnesses too those 10 years we were blessed with the gift of Tilly on the 21st November 2024 we lost her to spleen cancer .
And I realised something that I thought I had lost my heart that day in the fertility clinic that I’d lost my hope and light but the pain I felt for my unborn children and even unconceived child was 100 % only experienced because I loved them so much I had willingly or unknowingly invested my hearts energy into them so they would always exist whether tangible real or not in my memory in my heart in the ether and in my pain. And so would Tilly a very real tangible licking barking pawing love that in the end caused me immeasurable pain as well. Maybe by chasing rainbows we miss the point of our lives for rainbows hold many hues and you never really know when or where one might appear, but there are signs if you keep you heart and eyes open, there are signs.
