Josephine Opie
At 24, married and desperately wanting children, my husband and I were told at the IVF client, “Don’t waste our time”! We were devastated. In a misguided but well-meaning effort to support us, family and friends told us things like:
“You can adopt”
“You have lots of nieces and nephews and you can give those back!”
“Having kids is overrated!”
“Kids are too expensive anyway. Ue your money to travel instead!”
“You don’t need kids to have a fulfilling life.”
Basically, get over it, love!
Well meaning, but totally useless.
I could not reconcile being ‘barren’, especially as it was all my fault. My husband should not be defined by my inadequacies. So, I worked hard at sabotaging our marriage and 12 months later, we split up.
Now, before I go on, a bit about me.
1. I’m a flight person when hit with an amygdala hijack. No a fighter, but a flighter!
2. I had no one who knew how to talk to me, understand me, could help me and I didn’t understand my emotions anyway, so all I knew at times of crisis, was fleeing and denying was my absolute go-to!
“Hey Jo, when are you having kids?”
“No way! I’m never having kids! They’re too expensive/annoying/interrupt plans/horrible/I hate kids!”
Only I, alone, felt the pain and anguish in my heart and all through a broken body.
I met and fell in love with a guy who didn’t want kids. Perfect! He already had a daughter, 3 years old and we got on really well. I was in my element, not a mother but the next best thing – a Stepmother! But then – the maternal monster became real and I had no option but to confront a new reality – I was a Stepmother and I had to contend with the emotions of Stepmum Vs Biological mum!
So, I have the diabolical issue of trying to manage my being barren and then as a stepmum who is constantly given messages of not being worthy as a parent. Not from my step daughter! Absolutely not! We had and continue to have, a fantastic and close relationship. It was others who constantly reminded me that I was ONLY a stepmum and have no part in her life. I am simply her father’s wife.
When her father, my husband of 20 years, died, his family excluded me. Even on the day of his death, his mother, his sister, his daughter and I sat by his bed and said our goodbyes. As soon as he was gone, I was shipped off to my parents and they whisked my stepdaughter away to mourn as a family, which included my stepdaughters biological mother and completed excluded me. After the funeral I was told many times and in many ways, that I no longer had a right to a relationship with my stepdaughter as she was no longer my stepdaughter.
Amygdala kicks in – and I flee again! I pretended it didn’t bother me. I excluded myself from any chance to being reminded that again - I was not worthy as a parent.
Years later I met, fell in love with and moved interstate to be with a wonderful man and his four sons. A new chapter for me and I relished the opportunity to parent again. But the maternal monster came with me and the heartache started anew.
Despite great relationships with all four stepsons, others had other ideas. Worst moment was highlighted when a family member turned up at our door, spitting at me, with pointed finger in my face “When are you going to stop pretending to be their mother?” Was I? Hardly – I know my place!
Can’t tell you how hurtful that was. I never expected them to call me Mum, they called me Jo. They called my family, including my parents by their first names. I cared for them daily along with their father. I did the parenting tasks when they had an absent biological mother. Yet that absent mother who chose to move away from them, would always take precedence, in each and every way. Now don’t get me wrong, it is as it should be. Their mother is important and I encouraged that all the time, however, to have that preference constantly pushed into my face, was hard to take. Particularly Mother’s Day. It was always a massive day that I was never party to. Eventually the boys would recognize me quickly, surreptitiously so that their biological mother did not know. A quick card, a bunch of Woolworth flowers, left hurriedly as they raced to lunch/dinner/day with their BM (biological mother). Amygdala had me responding “I don’t care! It’s only mothers day. I’m not their mother!” But damn it hurt!
So, my pain of being childless continues after all this time. It is undefinable to me. I have never confronted it. I have never been able to deal with it. I hate baby showers. Irrational, but I do! I feel no one really understands and most don’t know how to talk about it. I am surrounded by so many people but I feel so lonely. I have lost my parents and with them went the only unconditional love I have ever known, and I know I will die never knowing it again.
Never knowing the feeling of a growing child in the belly. Feel a kick. Feel morning sickness. The pain and joy of childbirth. The connection to a baby that lasts a lifetime. To watch my child grow up, to be able to enjoy the challenges and joys that it brings. It’s the bond that I will never experience that hurts the most. My maternal instincts don’t disappear just because I cannot conceive. I wish I could turn it off, but I can’t and it has caused me so much pain for so long. These things are the expectation of every woman and when you are denied them, how do you deal with it? Be a step parent, adopt, work with kids – none of these can possibly replace the bond of mother and child. Why was I denied?
Do I talk about it? No. Do people understand the immense pain that I have endured. Not at all. In fact, a close friend of mine recently realized, after 18 years, that I did not CHOOSE to be childless. Wiped away with a “oh I didn’t realise you couldn’t have kids! So lucky you have your stepchildren then!” So, so unaware!
Eventually I am reduced to being a stepmother only. To feel like a perennial periphery clown. Just skirting around other people’s families wishing to be more than I am. It’s a lifelong burden that sees no relief. It’s my lot in life. I see no relief, no joy, no true understanding. For me, just avoidance and pretense. And quite frankly, it totally sucks!
