Lola
I am a 50 year-old teacher in a medium sized school. I have never received flowers or congratulations of any form from my colleagues ever. Why? No engagement ring, no wedding bells and no baby = no work recognition (ironic isn’t it that the only things acknowledged in the workplace are those not related to work). In a land where we strive to instill inclusion in the hearts of the children we teach, it seems rather bizarre that amongst staff we choose to only champion societal norms and exclude the diverse. Hypocrisy anyone?
So you might ask what is a day like for me. I’ve learned that the teacher’s lounge isn’t for me. It doesn’t provide me with a break, heartbreak certainly but not a break. As more and more people are gifted with children the conversations generally revolve around parenthood and all the difficulties around that. Yes, I know it’s hard but so is singleness and being childless not by choice (the pain can be quite unbearable at times). Yet any time I mentioned one single sentence about either the conversation is swiftly moved on and I am hurtfully ignored. Going ‘Oh right’ and then redirecting the conversation repeatedly is so cruel and it is not inclusion. Would it kill even one of them to inquire about my life? It would be inclusion, oh that’s only for the kids!
On the childless front and what has driven me mainly to lunch alone (in the luxury of my car often as there is nowhere else) is the constant complaining about bringing children to their activities. It’s recounted like it’s something so torturous and deserving of a medal of bravery! I sit there, more deserving of a medal of bravery after all I’ve been through while trying to become a mum, and just hold back the tears. What I would give to be taking my darling (OK she would’ve been very strong willed and kept me on my toes but my darling still) to an activity. But I only have tears and empty dreams. I tried to explain how painful the activity morning was to my boss and I just got anger, cruel anger. The whole time we teach kindness and respect to others and yet my teacher colleagues can’t treat me in the manner they expect from children, wrong really so really wrong!
Adding in the single front the amount of passive aggressive, nasty jokes that I received with being both single and childless from colleagues beggars belief. It seems the belief is that it’s easier for me as I don’t have to factor other people into my life and the ‘it’s fine for those who are childless and single’ cliche is a favourite to hurl at me. The fact that I go through all the hardships of life alone and unsupported never enters their heads! Added to this I’m apparently wealthy (funny how I’ve never noticed that). This generally comes from those with combined gross income of 160,000 and above with a little mortgage nearly paid as they inherited a house or land to build on. Ironic really as according to sky News (14th of February 2025, Why single cost thousands more each year and how it affect us) after essential spending single people have an average of £42 left each month compared to £383 for a couple. So seems it’s okay to pick on and bully colleagues (yes what they do is hurtful, intention and repeated so it is bullying) but yes we coach children not to bully others and not to play bystanders (I could write a whole other article about those who choose to play bystander to single and childless bullying and the exclusion, but I’ll save that for next year).
Being a parent and the stresses that come with that does not excuse exclusion, or poor treatment of somebody who is childless and/ or single. Yes certainly in the Republic of Ireland, for example, family status is one of the protective statuses in legislation. However, no legislation states that you can be cruel to others based on them not having children or a partner. Protected status or stress does not mean that you don’t have to show kindness and respect to others. Being miserable in your own life does not give you a right to hurt others and yes, these people bullying parents are miserable.
So what can schools do? Well let’s celebrate International Singles Day to begin with and show the single staff how much they too rock. Mark birthdays, house purchases and educational achievements (things that are not achieved by chance). If there are people who you know who are childless don’t have a collective moan about the chore that is ‘activities’ and try to speak about other things at least some of the time. I think training for management teams on childlessness would benefit too. No doubt holding people accountable for bullying childless and single people would be a forward move too. To the bystanders, just as you teach the kids, call out the exclusion or bullying of childless and single people. Overall just be a kind human being.
