Sam Hill
“Have you got kids?” asked the guy who’d come to fix a kitchen cupboard door.
“No” I replied.
“You must be rich then”
A puzzling deduction perhaps, but when you’re childless, your life is fair game for people who barely know you to comment on and judge.
The reply I wanted to give? “Unfortunately no, and I don’t really want to go into the reasons why - but if you must know, I had years of fertility treatment, including IVF, which wasn’t successful, and no - I didn’t want to adopt, or pursue any other options, and actually don’t you think that's a personal question?" But it didn't seem quite right at the time!
I’m 18 years into my childless journey now and don’t feel the initial sting when asked 'the question', but my heart still sinks when I hear it.
When you’re childless there’s no easy way to answer. It’s usually followed by an uncomfortable silence, a ‘bingo’ statement (“Kids aren’t all they’re cracked up to be” type thing), which is meant to make you ‘feel better’. Or you get the awful "Why?" and “Didn’t you consider adoption?” And before you know it, you’ve told someone you just met at the supermarket some of the most personal and painful parts of your life story.
My response has changed over the years. In the early days, when I still had so much shame around being childless, I tried to offer up ‘compensation’:
“No I don’t have kids - but I do have a cat!”
And as my pet family grew: “No, but I have two cats and a dog!”
Then as the years went by (and unfortunately my elderly pets passed on):
“No, but, um …. I did have pets but they’re now dead”.
Then I tried including other family members: “No, but I have three nieces and a goldfish”.
Now I just say a simple “No”. After the initial silence, this is usually met with the following responses:
“You must have no stress in your life”
“Kids just take all your money”
“There’s still time!” (I was 51!)
“You could have adopted” (Ouch, where am I meant to go with that one?)
The question can come at you from anyone, at any time, and always seems to catch me off guard, without a chance to perfect a satisfactory response. I’ve been asked it by a new boss on my first day, a woman I was sitting next to at a wedding, several hairdressers, a man at a business conference I was attending, a woman standing next to me at an 80s music festival (who clearly wasn’t as enraptured with Rick Astley as I was), a friend’s parents at a party, a tour guide on holiday, and a new colleague who joined the team at work - to name a few.
But why is it a dreaded question?
It forces us to close the conversation down with “No”.
It reminds us of a painful life experience.
It reminds us of a life we don’t have (and wanted).
It puts us on the back foot feeling like we need to offer very personal information to explain why.
It makes us feel we need to compensate because we’re somehow ‘lacking’.
It’s probably not the most important thing to know about us!
Is this really a good way to start a conversation with someone you presumably would like to get to know?
Asking if you have kids is a socially accepted question. Most people who ask it are trying to find a way to engage with you, and usually have kids themselves. If you try to turn the question back to them with “No, do you?” you then have to spend the next half an hour listening to the after school clubs and activities of their children or grandchildren - and it’s never reciprocated. So how can we find a response that give us a chance to talk about our lives, that doesn’t exclude someone because they don’t have children?
I hope people will start to get the message that this is a personal question. I did a quick internet search to see what came up. A top response was ‘It’s not rude to ask someone if they have kids’. As more of us talk about this topic, the AI search engines will hopefully start to generate a more inclusive response. It’s a tricky subject for many people for many reasons. It’s also really not necessary. If people have kids they'll usually mention it in the first few sentences. There are more inclusive questions to ask someone. I had one recently: “What has kept you busy this week?”
But I don’t think people are going to stop asking the question anytime soon. I’m determined to find a response that feels authentic, doesn’t need to compensate, and opens up the conversation giving both parties the chance to talk. Such as:
“I wasn’t able to go that path, and life offers many different experiences. Apart from kids, what really lights you up?”
But most likely, I’ll get caught out again and end up saying something like:
“No kids… I did have a goldfish once but the cat ate it”.
…and quickly try to change the subject!
What do you say when asked ‘the question’? How can we reply in a way that opens up the conversation in the way we want it to?
