KL

CNBC….Is it a news channel? An acronym? A label? Feeling that to accept the label makes me feel “less” realizing I feel less already ... .sometimes….

Approaching new friendships, joining conversations, where to go on vacation…all considerations made with the nagging question leaking: “Do you have children?”

I am in my early 40s now too old to say “oh no not yet…” a phrase I used throughout my late 20s and 30s….”Oh no not yet” a phrase I would use and be rewarded by seeing the relief that would wash across the faces of the women (most certainly women with children) who dared ask such a personal question with no regard on how it would land… When I would say “oh no not yet” I would see the woman’s shoulders relax and a smile would come across her face as she would say something like: “just you wait…”

Now when people ask: “Do you have children?” having to give that one word answer that lands like a stone in my chest while also having a tinge of relief….A word that closes off my entrance into a group of moms in their 40s… Do you have children?...My 1 word answer “No” echoes loudly. When I see a woman’s face register my answer, a woman who has children at her side, I can’t help but ask myself if it is the woman who is judging me or if I am still judging myself…

Finding the Childless Collective, reading books, going to a grief group, listening to podcasts all helpful and all also making me feel as if CNBC is a problem I can solve…Solve with days of research followed by months of avoidance…As I slowly have come to realize CNBC is not a problem to be solved, I have a bit more room to breathe.

Perhaps being CNBC is like seeing the road not taken and somehow carving out a different path…maybe even a content path…although the grief is always there in different weights and shades of color.

I am finding my way…My way to a life of connection, a life of adventure, a life of gratitude and recognizing that perhaps by being CNBC I can bring different gifts to the world…I can use my maternal energy in ways that do not require motherhood.

CNBC a news channel? A label? Truly it is a badge of courage to carry with honor instead of hide with shame…Like a sunflower stretching and growing towards the light and warmth of the sun, may I carry my life as a CNBC woman forward into growth, healing and wonder.