Maria Hill
World Childless Week Ambassador
One of the most challenging issues for childless not by choice people, especially women, is self-love. How do we love ourselves when the basic and natural desire for a family is denied us and when we are treated as less than by the human world? We lose so much when we become childless.
Today we are exploring barriers to self-love and how we can embrace self-love despite all of our losses.
Is It Just A Social Issue?
When you are childless not by choice you are too often bombarded by questions and disapproval about your parental plans and status. Naturally the negative social attention wears on you. It is impossible to be around intense disapproval without it affecting how you feel about yourself. The issue is not just an individual interaction; the constant drip of negativity will get you down. Even when you are good with yourself, the energy of disapproval will have an effect. We are all energetic beings after all.
Our social structures are still patriarchal and hierarchical. What many people do not understand is that societies define value and worth according to their agenda. In essence, your value is defined in human society outside of you and by others, which is why it is so difficult to escape the damage to one’s sense of self when you are childless not by choice.
Another way to understand this is that societies, especially hierarchical ones, are by nature exploiters of their citizens. So you lose value when you are not exploitable in the way that the society wants. Understanding this makes it easier to detach your sense of self from your culture. It is necessary for your well-being and health to do so, although you can feel lonely unless you have others around you working on the same issues who understand what you are going through.
The Devaluation Problem
Human societies have devalued women for thousands of years. They have also been hierarchical for thousands of years which has meant that some held superior positions and were entitled to exploit those who were considered less than. The devaluation of some groups of people including women had nothing to do with their intrinsic worth. The assignments of value and position acted as a permission structure for exploitation.
Women have been exploited primarily for making human babies as their chief value. You would think that with 7.5 billion people on the planet we would get over that but apparently not yet. We are at the point, however, where we need to reimagine our social value and embrace our intrinsic value, but we are still working on this. That means that childless not by choice people are caught between hierarchical/patriarchal definitions of their value and the emerging but not yet fully established values of a new age.
The Journey To Self-Love
The changes we are going through are part of what some call The Great Turning (coined by Joanna Macy). It is important to embrace this change because it gives you the opportunity to reconsider old ideas about yourself and your worth. However, we cannot wait for change in order to value and love ourselves. Transforming our value and transferring it outside of societal narratives is important for our well-being and makes self-love easier and more enjoyable.
Many childless not by choice people embrace animals as companions. I have a cat now and have always loved both dogs and cats throughout my life. One of the most important gifts of animals is that they own their intrinsic value irrespective of what is going on in the world around them. Humans, on the other hand, are taught to value themselves on the basis of whether they are valued by others, which puts our emotional well-being in the hands of others. Some call it giving your power away, but I think of it as the loss of our connection to our intrinsic value and the lack of acknowledgement of that intrinsic value by the world around us. It is an important invalidation that can keep us dependent, hungry for approval, and unable to love ourselves.
A New Dynamic For Self-Love
There are many in our world who will still value us just for making babies and devalue us if we do not or cannot. I have encountered this in my family, where to this day I am treated as less than because I do not have children. Motherhood is a sacred cow in some circles. I stay away from those who can only value me in that way. The energy drain from that kind of attitude and the insults of being treated as less than are not worth the effort I would put into the relationship. I am a firm believer in protecting one’s energy from hierarchical abuse.
There is another way, fortunately.
The first step is to connect with one’s intrinsic value. It is there in your energy, in your body and it is the real you. It is a warm and loving energy that supports you and respects you. It is a natural part of a loving self and encourages self-care. You are born this way.
The second step is to shift your external value from ideas about who you should be to a respect and celebration of your contribution in the world, large and small. When you do, you are now grounded in your basic and natural value and what you create from that, which is your contribution to the world. They go hand in hand; you cannot have one without the other. For anyone to treat your contribution as less than because you have been devalued for being childless is dishonest.
Can We Give Ourselves A Break?
Your contribution always comes from your intrinsic worth. It is true for you and everyone else. You are not here to prove anything. You are not here to measure up. You are not here to take care of everyone else’s expectations.
We are all here to enjoy life and contribute what we have to give. Nature shows us the beauty and wellbeing in thinking this way. Doing our part is all that is required.
Loving ourselves is a way for us to do our part in life. It is natural. It is healthy. It is freeing. Releasing yourself from societal demands is a great way to love yourself, be yourself and make it all work so that you can enjoy life. I hope you embrace your intrinsic self as your primary and healthiest connection with life and celebrate all that you are by loving yourself as you deserve to.
