The end of one year and beginning of the next can raise the questions of what just passed and what will I face going forwards. People mention achievements, resolutions, plans and dreams. It can be another date on the calendar where we see ourselves omitted from the conversation or feel the heartache of another year without being a parent.

I don’t believe in resolutions and because of my own past experiences I am very much a fatalist. What will happen, will happen, no matter what I believe or do. It may sound like a gloomy approach but that’s not how I see it. It’s more of knowing I can’t predict what is around the corner so try to accept each day, experience and emotion as they appear. They can still hit with vengeance but I don’t battle against them as perhaps I once would.

I take them as the reality of my present and deal with it in the best way that I can. I try not to absorb any negativity or be sucked into a black void but equally I don’t hide or bury any deep emotions that surface and need to be released.

I cry as much when I’m happy as when I’m sad. I’m an emotional person who has learnt (it took some persuasion) to accept my tears are part of who I am. You’ll see me cry when I talk of the childless community or the death of a friend, but equally when I feel elation laughing with family or watching a play in the theatre.

Being a fatalist does not mean I expect the worst case scenario all of the time because unexpected and unplanned joys can also present themselves out of the blue, and these highs are to be treasured.

So how do I deal with the end of the year? I used to love it and celebrate in style. Then an incident happened that left me feeling blue each New Years Eve and intentionally going to bed before midnight or avoiding the crowd singing Auld Lang Syne by creeping outdoors at parties or going to the bathroom at midnight to shed my tears in solitude. In all honesty I still feel the sadness deep within me and struggle to find the joy. I honestly don’t know why I haven’t released the pain; it’s still a work in progress, as are so many things.

But one thing I do know is that no matter what I feel I did or did not achieve, no matter how good or bad the last year felt, it doesn’t dictate who or what I am. The reality is that New Years Eve is just another day on the calendar and I can celebrate or ignore it just like any other night of my life.

Stephanie Joy Phillips