A short time ago I did a meditation with Bindi Shah where she explored boundaries and the complications, but also the release, setting them in place can cause.

In our pre-meditation chat I mentioned how I love boundaries, and I do, but that doesn’t mean they are always easy to put in place. We grow up with family connections, build connections through friendships and make connections at work, with our neighbours and many others we meet throughout our life. Some connections grow in strength whilst others dwindle away quietly, but it’s the ones that start to darken and become stagnant that cause problems. The friendships and relationships that no longer align with our personal thoughts and feelings and make us feel uncomfortable, out of place or simply ill at ease without being able to put our finger on the ‘why’.

When clear connections become grey or even black they can pull us down emotionally and in turn physically. We may want to pull away but don’t know how to, or hold on through a sense of loyalty or because it’s simply the easiest option. We sometimes fear the idea of change, separation, or worry about the confusion, upset or even anger we may evoke from the other person. Feeling that despite our reasons and the reality of the situation they may want to hold on and keep up the pretence that all is well.

Boundaries don’t have to mean a connection is completely severed it could just be a way to create a mutual understanding of each other’s needs and wants. But in some situations if the other person refuses to respect our feelings, and ignores our thoughts, determined that nothing needs to change and carries on in the same vein, then perhaps that connection has come to the end of the road and hit a brick wall. At this point some people will turn everything around to be about them and try to imply we are in the wrong, that our actions are cruel and selfish. The truth is sometimes we need (and deserve) to be selfish because our mental health is important and needs to be prioritised. We don’t intentionally want to cause hurt, but if someone refuses to see the truth and prefers to keep the focus on their emotions and needs, we need to remind ourself that is something they need to work on, and in all honesty, not our problem.

It can be hard to walk away and I’ve certainly shed tears when setting boundaries and moving away from people who once played an important part of my life but in the long run I know it was the right decision. Just in the same way that we de-clutter our home, sometimes we need to de-clutter our connections. It doesn’t mean that the ornaments we no longer like will not be cherished by someone else for years to come, or our old clothes will not be up-cycled into a new outfit and worn with pride.

Connections come and go, but once we know our boundaries it can make our life easier and create stronger lifelong connections and friendships.

Stephanie Joy Phillips