M.M.
1) I have been single for not quite two decades and have never been married. There is some deep shame around that, but also some relief, given the resurrection of rampant misogyny just about everywhere.
2) Because of my single status, people offer up (slightly) fewer inquiries as to whether or not I have kids.There is a good bit of inherent grief in never having had the chance to try with a partner, but during my late 30’s and early 40’s, I spent a lot of time researching options, particularly adoption, to become a parent on my own.
3) I am a supportive friend. And because I was hopeful about having my own family for so long, I was able to show up and host the wedding and baby showers and be everyone’s cheerleader, since I thought one of these days I’d eventually have a turn of my own. It was difficult to come to terms with not having that outcome and those societal milestones that are celebrated, and as a single person sometimes you have to create your own.
4) You’re also the only person responsible for your own life - practically, logistically, financially, and emotionally. I’m quite used to that now, but sometimes it really would be nice to hand something off every now and then. “Decision fatigue” is real!
5) While most of my cohort are not yet grandparents - that is part of the lifelong loss of childlessness and I can see it on the horizon, as my friends’ kids become young adults. Right now my social/support circle is reasonably solid, but in the future as relatives’ and friends’ families will presumably expand to include in-laws and grandchildren, remaining a family of one seems very small - with limited infrastructure support.
6) Some things I enjoy - being outside (ideally near water or mountains), cats, travel, live theater, art museums, being of service to others, Spanish ceramics, sunflowers, swimming, reading stories about other people’s lived experiences, baking cupcakes, Irish music, and many kinds of food.
7) As part of my Plan B, just over a year ago I recently stopped making excuses and signed up for a pottery class (see “Spanish ceramics” above). It’s not something that comes naturally at all, but I enjoy the process very much, as it gets me out of my head.
8) The invisibility cloak is mostly a blessing, and the intrusive questions about my marital and reproductive status generally ground to a screeching halt once I turned 45. But the future is very worrisome on so many levels.
9) For many years before and while coming to terms with my own childlessness, I often talked about my niblings and godchildren whenever those around me started talking about their own children, particularly in the workplace - perhaps as a subconscious effort to fit in. Now, I’ll still do that if their experience is relevant to the topic at hand, but I’m better at tuning out when necessary.
10) The past 18 months have been rife with personal and professional loss. I lost my mother earlier this year and people were incredibly kind and supportive. But the childless and motherless piece still feels mostly invisible and is mostly not discussed, hence the return of the very painful disenfranchised grief. So I conclude with this one, in the hopes that other childless daughters will feel less alone.
