Ashley Collins
Dear Grieving Self,
You are enough. You are not broken.
I know that you are hurting, and it feels like no one around can hear. The thoughts of what could have been flowing through your brain like rain, beckoning you closer and closer to the edge of sanity.
Ten tiny toes, two perfect little lips, one hand grasping your finger so tightly, never wanting to let go.
That first wail, that first smile, that first “mama”.
That first family photograph you plan so precisely- down to the cute mini-sized bed and rose crown. The Christmas spent cuddling by the fireplace, watching the Christmas tree lights twinkle.
The birth of the most unconditional love, with the eyes the color of the ocean and the high cheekbones of their father.
I know it hurts. But you are not broken.
The answers you seek, adrift on a sea of testing and ultrasounds. Unexplained. Why me? Why not me? What have I done to deserve this?
Sitting numbly as you wait to confirm the end of the beautiful little flicker that brought you so much life. Now, looking around at the smiles, the ultrasound pics, the claps on the back. The joy..
But you are not broken.
Betrayed. The body made by God, meant to bring life, love, joy… has failed you. Has failed your husband, has failed your family. You have failed… everyone.
A dream that you have always hoped was possible in the future, is now just a memory. A dream you prepared for, worked for and set your life by, now out of reach.
Five happy plus marks turned into a sea of tears and years of wasted time.
Still, you are not broken.
You… are a warrior. While your heart may be broken, you are not.
You are love wrapped up in a pink bow.
You are hope dressed up like the morning sun.
You are faith high on a mountain that beacons the climbers below.
You are strength clothed in grace… sprinkled with humility, prepared by the women who came before you.
And you are a mother, forever until the end of your days.
Love, Your Children
