Jessica Hepburn
When I started writing my first book – The Pursuit of Motherhood – I thought it was just me and Frida Kahlo who had made art out of our infertility. I was aware of a few IVF memoirs but they all ended with a ‘Rainbow Baby’. And, to be honest, when I first started writing, I thought my story would end that way too. When my book was published, in 2014, with a cliff-hanger of an ending (no baby yet), I realised two things:
1/ I wasn’t alone in my infertility. I was living through a silent epidemic. A tsunami of women wrote to me and said: ‘me too’; and
2/ I discovered it wasn’t just me and Frida as lots of people started contacting me about the art they were creating too.
At the time I was CEO of a large London theatre – the Lyric Hammersmith– and looking back, I think it was the combination of my senior position at a respected artistic institution, and my bravery in publishing a brutally honest book about my private pain that emboldened people to contact me. (I hope calling myself ‘brave’ doesn’t sound like I’m showing off but it did feel brave at the time). And it spawned what felt like a very different type of epidemic. A creative epidemic. It led me to giving birth to ‘Fertility Fest’ – the world’s first arts festival dedicated to the science of making and not making babies. In a very short period of time the festival grew exponentially.
Fertility Fest ran for three years (in 2016, 2018 & 2019). We programmed artists of all disciplines – writers, theatre-makers, composers & musicians, choreographers & dancers, visual artists, photographers & film-makers who were all creating work which covered a multitude of themes including ‘Trying to Conceive’, ‘Miscarriage’, ‘Parenting after IVF’, ‘The Gift (Donor Conception)’, ‘The Queer Family’, ‘The Invisible Man’ and specifically forthe childlessness community ‘There’s More To Life Than Children’. Some of my highlights from these years were the (childless) actress Maxine Peake performing on the main stage of the Barbican (London’s biggest arts centre) in an adaption of Julia Leigh’s infertility memoir Avalanche. And me interviewing the (childless) writer Benjamin Zephaniah in the Barbican’s Pit Theatre for our celebration of childlessness. If you’re reading this and interested in reading more there is a website which serves as an archive of all three festivals.
Since I first started writing about my journey through my diagnosis of ‘Unexplained Infertility’, multiple miscarriages and what became a total of 11 rounds of unsuccessful IVF, I have not become a mother. I’ll always be sad about that. I have, however, written two more books – 21 Miles & Save Me From The Waves – which are about how I have adventured my way out of the heartbreak. In many ways my three books are my babies. It’s a cliché but clichés are clichés for a reason - they ring true.
In recent years, I’ve also started to develop a range of new creative projects. ‘The Adventure Retreat’ (run in Scotland in December, and on the island of Formentera in Spain in May) takes people on a journey into nature and their creative heart and soul. It’s open to everyone but it seems to be attracting a lot of creative childless women. And right now, as I write this, I am in the midst of creating a theatre show entitled ‘Jessica Hepburn’s Great Adventure’ – which will open at the Theatre Royal Plymouth a few days before the start of World Childless Week 2025. I always wanted to be an actress when I was little. I was always the first in line to audition for the school play. But I soon realised I’m not very good at playing other people which is probably why I ended up running a theatre instead. But now, thanks in part to my childlessness,I’m getting to fulfil my childhood dream and perform in a show in which I get to play ‘me’.
I now think of my journey through infertility and IVF as my first official adventure, and my childlessness as the jewel at the core of all my creative work. Without it so much of my life would never have happened. Without it I may never have become an artist myself. And for all the sadness that my unrequited pursuit of motherhood has brought me – a sadness that I will always carry in my rucksack wherever I go adventuring – I also see that it has brought me a wonderful, creative life for which I am deeply grateful.
