Kirstie HH
You know when you read something pertinent but badly timed & just think ‘oh shit’. That was how I felt shortly after Millie Mojo came into our lives. So let’s go back a little…
I‘d realised I was going to be childless by Spring 2017 & had bought Jodys book & started working my way through it. The concept of alternative nurturing really hit a chord. I was also doing another process based on the Human Givens which had made me realise that my by now lone little boy (long haired Syrian hamster - Alan) was not quite cutting it in fulfilling my needs for meaning & purpose, attention & achievement (as amazing & gorgeous as he was, there is only so much a hamster can ‘give back’ & he was also getting old).
As I was on a sabbatical from my job due to ill health I had time & some energy on my hands. As a couple my husband & I agreed that to get a dog there needed to be someone at home most of the time especially in early months. So this is how we found ourselves at Dogs Trust Shrewsbury signing up as stand by’s for two grown up wire haired dachshunds (I’d spent my teens with this breed). These two though remained with their first adopters & I hope lived out the rest of their days in a happy home. So it is also how, a few weeks later, I got a call telling me a litter of dachshund puppies had been rescued from a puppy smuggling operation from Poland & would I like a girl or boy? After discovering that this was not a prank call (well I was naïve about puppy smuggling then & thought husband might be having a joke) I said just pick one for me & a week or so later or how ever long it takes to clear rabies jabs/quarantine/etc we went to Shrewbury to meet Moira- yeah that name was never going to stick. After a few more weekend visits Millie Mojo (after Detective Mills in Sleepy Hollow & Mo for Moira as it had been after a Dogs Trust volunteer & Jo after our fertility councillor) came home to us early June 2017.
So lets get back to the ‘oh shit’ moment. Millie Mojo like many rescues was hard work, she needed a lot of additional socialising as she had stayed with her litter & not interacted much with the world beyond. Dachshunds are notoriously stubborn & can be hard to train- I knew this but hadn’t figured in my depleting energy resources & increasing health issues. Millie was highly reactive (still is despite much training but hey you work with you got & love them fiercely despite any issues) & food obsessed (again still is but have found some ways round it). The point of all this is that I was very worn down those first few weeks & was still ‘doing’ Jodys book & I realised I was suffering from ‘backed up’ or ‘complicated grief’. I started reading around on grief & kept coming across the ‘don’t make any major life changes whilst in the throes of grief’ mantras & that was when I just thought ‘oh shit’ as I’d made a huge major life change, brought another creature into our lives when I was far from my strongest & now had to care for it for ever & it was really hard work.
It was ok though (after more stress, work & tears) as Jody said that ‘taking care of a pet can be a wonderful outlet for our nurturing- both giving and receiving’ (P119 of Living the Life Unexpected if you are interested). And boy was she right, so Millie thanks you for helping me hold out & hold on because she is now one of the most important things in my world.
Watching her & my husband play in the garden that we got expecting to have kids run round in made sense of the space for me at a time when looking at it had previously made me quite sad. Seeing him bond with her & the love & adoration they have shown each other over the last 7 years lets me know that he would have been a good Dad, he can nurture & care even though he finds it hard to communicate those feelings sometimes as his practical coping skills often overtake them. The joy & the connection she has helped me hold with my own Mum through some difficult times I will forever be grateful for. I may not have been able to produce grandchildren but the relationship Millie has with her Grandma warms my heart.
Which brings me on to the ‘fur mum’ issue. I get that many people do not feel comfortable with this label or the anthropomorphising of animals into babies or children. Let me be clear from my perspective I am Millie Mummy. I chose to have a purse made stating this within months of getting her & rather than it supporting a pronatal narrative it was an attempt by me to reclaim my ‘mother/otherhood’ & invite questions from the ridiculously unaware & ignorant outside world. I was saying ‘I might not have been able to have children but it doesn’t mean I am not maternal’. We don’t baby Millie, she is not dressed up or treated as a human – she is treated as a dachshund & for those who have them they will tell you this may be even more needy! We never intended to call ourselves Mum/Dad/Grandma but it has evolved that way and we go with it. I will even refer to her as my ‘dogter’. Why you may ask? I do it because it gives me an inroad when anyone makes a negative comment about dogs or pets not being children for me to begin a hopefully educational dialogue so they may step away from their family centric ideologies & embrace what life is like for us- those who desperately wanted to create our own family but have been denied that choice/chance. Because that is what pets are in my opinion- they are family. Ok they are not biological family but neither are adopted children & that was how I used to describe our situation-that we ended up going down the international adoption route. She is a Polish princess, she just isn’t the human kind, she turned my world upside down & continues to bring challenge, purpose & meaning to every day and apart from the barking & food obsession I would not change her for the world. I am proud to be Millie Mummy for as long as I possibly can.
