Dear Maria,  

You were born into a ridiculously difficult situation when you came into this world. It was so negative that it was a wonder that you survived it. You did so much and more than could be reasonably be expected to make the best of it and yet little in the situation offered you anything that you wanted and needed.

The people around you would talk at you not with you. It almost felt like you were a piece of furniture rather than a person. To this day, you are mostly an unknown person to your family.

You made the brave decision to not shut down and to raise yourself because so often you were made wrong when you were not. Your family lived in a negative world of their making, one that could not hold you. How little curiosity there was, how little interest existed in discovering what was really happening before making judgments. To someone for whom friendship is an important value, this was very disheartening.

You also experienced the extreme misogyny of religious conservatism which trashed your intelligence, awareness, and any self that made a natural appearance. You had entered a world that repelled you and was repelled by you, one that did not offer you a way to live in harmony with yourself and others.

The experiences and awareness of your early years has defined a lot of your journey in life. After a brave start, you set out on a difficult journey one that has resulted in amazing learning. These are some of the things you have learned along the way, and that I am proud of you for discovering and that I wish I had known:

• People will take the easy way out and some call that having courage. Not so, but it happens.

• You are not the identity (or narrative) you have been given by your family and culture. It is not your place in the world. Leaving your identity behind gives you freedom and lets you embrace your whole self.

• Women do not exist to support weak men. We must let them experience their weakness directly rather than assign their weaknesses to women. You cannot and should not try to do someone else’s inner work for them.

• Learn as much as you can to be as brilliant as you can. It is fun to surprise the naysayers. If you want to be kind-hearted, think of it as providing inspiration.

• A lot of fear is a racket, a scam to keep you in hiding and give others an advantage or free pass. Don’t give in to demands for false modesty. 

• Tough is not necessarily mean, it can also simply be long overdue fairness showing up. But you must take the time to know the difference.

• Learn the difference between empathy that comes from recognizing that life is challenging for everyone and the false empathy demanded by the patriarchy. I call it the drama of the poor man. It is nonsense.

• The part of you wanting to rebel is the part of you that can lead you to your true voice. She does not apologize for being herself.

• The world will accept you as a girl and a mother and some will accept you as a crone. However, the queen energy, the woman as decider and ruler, (not a figurehead), has not yet been fully allowed. Find and embrace your inner queen.

• Learn that life is really happening on the edge not in the center - that has been taken by those stuck in the past - they are not too nice to childless women.

• Value your independence. There is nothing more frightening to a patriarchal man or woman than an independent woman. It is a false fear and generous of us to help others overcome their false fears.

• Anyone who says that self-care is being selfish should demonstrate their selflessness for you. I doubt you will have many takers.

• Avoid those who will tell you that pleasure is bad. Pleasure can be an inner guide to show you what is true and beneficial for you and others. It is an aspect of joy and to be embraced. Enjoy sex your whole life.

• Breathing isn’t just something you do through your nose. Simplifying your life creates breathing space and freedom in your life for the joy that is possible.

• The more you shed false identities, the easier it is to live from a fearless and grounded wisdom.

• You are at least as deserving as everyone else especially because you have made an inner journey few have the courage to undertake. Treasure that about yourself and be proud.

As I look back, I can see how challenging it is to be a woman today especially when we know we deserve more than to be dominated by others. We all deserve to be honored, cherished, and admired for the beauty, wisdom, and generosity we bring to the world.

As painful as childlessness is, it can also be seen as an opening. We deserve more space in the world than is allowed for us. We need to take up more space and embrace that as part of our story.

My big message to you, Maria and all women, is to release yourself from that which is false and celebrate yourself. It’s time.

Maria Hill

Photo by Ines Azevedo on Unsplash