I Just Wanted A Baby

I just wanted a baby

No! I don’t want you to try to fix me

And I don’t need your sympathy

All I ask is that you to listen to my story.

I dreamed of a husband, a house and a baby

I got a termination and a miscarriage so I thought … maybe

I could forget the husband and instead have the house & my child

I thought about that for a while then changed my mind.

I was single then so instead I chose the adoption route

I really wanted a baby so that was the path I took.

As a woman I wanted to fulfill that part of me

That yearns to love and be loved … I just wanted a baby.

I got through the long adoption process, thankfully

And the thought of being a mum was indescribable, I was beyond just happy;

And to top it all right then my husband-to-be came into my life

He wanted children too so everything seemed to be working out right.

But as time went by sadly I didn’t fall pregnant

The doctors said I could but they couldn’t explain why I didn’t.

I felt sad because my husband said after all he didn’t want us to adopt

We argued, I cried, I was broken and my world just seemed to stop.

I was getting older so knew I would never fill my need to be a Mum

That left me feeling sad, angry, depressed & at times I just felt numb.

Over the years I’ve experienced these and a rollercoaster of other emotions

I’ve told myself “it’s ok”, “enjoy what you DO have” but that’s no solution.

I’ve tried to comfort myself by saying there’s more to life than being a Mum

And I feel blessed for the places I’ve been, people I’ve met & things I’ve done;

But NOTHING can fill the void for what I know would have completed me

Because I just wanted to be a Mum … I just wanted a baby.

You see, for some of us our very identity, our sense of who we are

Is wrapped up in our dreams and they can’t be pulled apart

So if we don’t become the person we always wanted to be

We may struggle–as I did-to accept that NOT being a mum IS part of the real me.

I know that my family and my true friends will always love me this way

They’re not judging me, questioning me or making me feel ashamed;

But when other people hear I’m childless they seem awkward, concerned,

Their expression often shows they’re thinking “What’s wrong with her?”

They have no idea about the crippling loss that is buried deep within me

The grief of being ‘childless by circumstance’ is painful and it’s real.

For some it may be helped-though not always healed-by adopting a child

But for others (like me) it was really about giving birth to a baby that’s mine.

I will always love every one of the beautiful children in my family

And I truly share the joy that my friends feel when they have their babies;

But I just want people to understand, though not to pity me

I want them to know that my childlessness is like a endless grief.

So if at times, I seem sad it may be because … I just wanted a baby

If you see me cry, please don’t try to fix me, and I don’t need your sympathy;

Just listen and be patient while I explain why I’m sad or teary

Though it really is quite simple, it’s because … I just wanted a baby.

Haneefah Muhammad