It was after the second IVF. Hopes for a successful IVF were diminished, haunted by the miscarriage of the first round and the sense it was a last roll of the dice. I no longer saw the 34% success rate, I saw the 66% unsuccessful rate. They don’t tell you that. The hope is falsified not only by desire, but also the selection of statistics. Needless to say, the second round was unsuccessful.

I opened it just a crack.

My heart.

Tentatively. Because what happens if you inadvertently tear off scar tissue covering pain and grief the intensity of which you didn’t think you could survive?

Chiara Berardelli is an Italian Scottish singer-songwriter living in Glasgow, Scotland. Join us at 7pm on her Facebook page to listen to her live stream, read on for the link…

“Alchemy.” This is the first word that pops up into my mind—as strange as it might sound—when I ask myself “what have I learned from the experience of involuntarily childlessness?”

I’ve started to remember who I was before IVF and miscarriages. I used to be an artist, print maker and stained glass window maker.

a sunny day

birds, bees and a shadow under a tree

we’re meeting for a birthday

a cake, coffee, and a bucket full of strawberries.

Shoulders collapsed

in the floor of the black van with tinted windows