I was 27 when I met my husband. I’m now 41, childless and on the verge of a marriage breakdown. When my husband said he didn’t want children, I should have believed him.
In my late 20s, I’d come out of an 8 1/2 year relationship that ended in part because he didn’t want marriage and children. I bought my own flat in London and was working hard as a journalist, while battling severe depression (and what was later diagnosed as bipolar disorder). I met my now husband online, and within a few weeks he’d moved to London and moved in with me.
Our relationship was always tempestuous, and we split up many times always to find ourselves pulled back together. By the time we were in our mid-30s we had married and moved to the countryside. And with the arrogance of youth I assumed time would always be on our side and that because my anti-marriage boyfriend had become my very much legally married husband, I assumed he would change his mind about wanting kids. I assumed wrong.
I would set these timelines; when we’re 35, 36, 37, 38 then he’ll settle down and change his mind. It’s ok, women can have children in their 40s. Time is on my side. 39 became 40, which rolled on to 41 in the blink of an eye. My husband still hasn’t changed his mind. And now I’ve invested almost 14 years of my life into our life together, and because of my mental health problems I’m sometimes able to convince myself that not having children is “for the best.”
Even now, with problems in our relationship building up to boiling point, I still think to myself 42, 43, 44, 45. I still have time. But at this point I know I’m kidding myself. I’m pretty sure I’m peri-menopausal as my usually regular cycle is all over the place. But it could be down to stress.
I chose my husband over having children. Because I thought he was worth making that sacrifice for. I don’t know if that was the right choice. But part of me stays because if I leave and I don’t have a child, what will it have all been for?
If I could go back to give my 27 year old self a piece of advice, I’d say, “when someone tells you who they are, believe them.”
Anon.