JoJo
Hurtful comments I have received:
How comes you have not had any children yet.
Are you jealous your best friend has had a baby before you.
Go back home (Caribbean) and get a man.
Just have a one-night stand and get pregnant.
How come your sisters have had their children and you have not had any yet.
Times wasting your eggs are getting old.
I can’t imagine not having my children.
Do it on your own you don’t need a man.
Your single? what’s wrong with you, you must be too fussy.
I thought you would be married and have a family by now.
These are just some of the comments that I have received being a single and childless woman of colour. Although I am lucky that I have not had any pressure or challenges of being childless from my family, receiving comments like these, do not help and I find people have no filter, they say it as it is and do not think before they speak, and these comments can really hurt.
My story
I met my partner O when I was 18, he was much older than I was, but he swept me off my feet and really looked after me. By the time I was 20 we had our first mortgage, we were both excited, we were in great jobs, and everything was going well. Fast forward a few years, O and I both wanted a family and we just hoped that it would happen naturally. A year had nearly gone by, and nothing was happening for us. We decided to go to our GP to find out what was going on. We both had tests carried out, I was informed that I was ok however O’s results came back and they were devastating. O was told that he would never be able to have children. That was the beginning of the end for us!
O changed as a person, I tried everything, suggesting IVF, adoption, fostering he was just not interested in any of it. He was drinking and smoking heavily he became a person I did not recognise anymore. We were just not getting on and I had to make the painful decision to leave. I left my home that I had bought with him and moved in with my parents. A year later, my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and we lost him. I had lost O, my dad, my lovely home, I even lost myself for a while and had to try and pick up the pieces after dad died and I wanted and needed to look after my mum.
Fast forward again, after O and I had gone our separate ways, I had some time for myself and had decided I was ready to date again. I met a few men but most of them were either emotionally unavailable, married (which I didn’t know at the time) were not ready to be in a serious relationship and all they wanted was a bit of fun. None of them were suitable as I was now ready for a serious and meaningful relationship with someone and was ready to have my family. I was now in my mid 30’s and still had not met the right person who I felt I could have my family with. Fast forward again, and I am now in my 40’s and I’m saying to myself “Jo you still have time you can find your person and have your family.”
I am now 50 and I have not found my person, nor have I had my children. I am at the beginning of my journey trying to understand and live with the fact that I will never meet my child, never know what my child will look like, would I have had a little girl or boy or both, my mum will never see her grandchild from me. I am on a long journey now trying to accept all of this and not sure if I can or want to accept but I do know I am going to have to try and live with this. I have beautiful nephews, nieces and God children and they keep me going.
Last year I was in a very dark place trying to understand why I was not blessed with my family. I needed to speak to people who were in similar situations to me. I work for a large organisation, and we have lots of communities that have been set up. I approached my company and explained that I wanted to set up a Childfree and Childless Community, I expressed the importance of having a community where people like me would have a safe and confidential space to share their stories, to know that there were not alone and would not have to suffer in silence. The community would give childfree and childless people a voice. This was approved in February 2023.
I am proud to say that I am the Founder and Co-chair of the Childless and Childfree community at my firm. We have over 160 members global, and we also have a steering committee who helps drive the community forward.
To see my vision come to fruition is just amazing and knowing that the community I started is helping people I could not be any prouder.
