The beautiful table I had so carefully set for my life was flipped.
On this table I had created a beautiful place for family, chosen family, adventure, faith, love, creativity to come together to dine. This was my beautiful life.
And then it got flipped. Things shattered, blood was drawn by the broken pieces that flew every which way and the deepest grief I didn’t know existed was felt.
The initial shock of what just happened took a good while to process. I couldn't make sense of why this was happening to me when I had so carefully crafted a life I loved. I did my best to stay in contact and connected to my family that lived in different parts of the world. I had created a chosen family that I did life with and could depend on. I had a faith life that guided my decisions. I held hope that a spouse would be part of my life which would then bring the children I desired. I was having fun shopping for and creating things to build a beautiful home for myself. And I followed where my adventurous heart led, where I thought God was leading each step of the way.
So as you can imagine after doing your best each step of the way to have the table flipped, it threw me for a loop. To be clear, the table is not having a partner in time to have children with. Initially I stood in shock not knowing what just happened. Time happened. My body then began to process the situation which looked like a lot of wailing which is something I’ve never experienced. Yet, over time and little by little, I began to pick up the pieces to set a new table.
As I began to pick up the pieces, I was confronted with a few things. I realized that some of those pieces should never have been on that table to begin with. I picked up other pieces and knew I had to figure out a way to piece it together. And in many cases leaned on the Japanese Kintsugi method. For me if you’re going to see the cracks you might as well make them stand out and be beautiful.
As I started to clean up, I picked up the patriarchy and pronatalism pieces that I didn’t even know I set. I examined these two pieces and realized I didn’t pick these myself, but something that culture placed on there for me. So even though I didn’t like my table getting flipped it did expose these two things on my table that I can now do the work to take off. Each time they find their way back onto the table, I just pick it up, examine it again and take it back off the table.
The Christian faith bowl is getting the Kintsugi method. I’m thankful for the foundations I have from growing up in church and learning the examples of how Jesus lived. Yet, there are so many pieces to examine as I put this bowl back together. If you grew up in the church, this examination is not always welcome, or to the extent many are going through now. I know this because I’ve had the same thoughts towards others in the past, not kind or helpful thoughts and for that I’m sorry. What I’ve examined so far and in my opinion needs to go is the prosperity gospel that is so prevalent in the American church. That prayers aren’t quarters put into a gumball machine and you automatically get something you desire in return. That I would rather lead with love over judgements any day of the week. Those are just a few of the many things getting unpacked and put together in a more beautiful way. This process has meant lost relationships, tension in others and feeling no longer safe in the big C church. Thankfully, I’ve connected with others unpacking similar experiences and can process with them.
The platter of confidence, another Kintsugi piece. I’m excited for this one because I know it’s turning out beautifully. The process has been painstaking, drawn some blood at times, but a beautiful experience nonetheless. This piece has included the unpacking of single shaming in society and my voice that is rising to counterbalance these messages.
Another part of putting my table back together is examining the place cards. Some of them have flown away on their own which was devastating at the beginning, but as time has passed and processing has happened, I can look fondly on them and be thankful for what they were in that season. Other place cards are getting put back on the table but a bit further from where I plan to sit. Those will take some work to repair and time to move closer together. Others are definitely put back on the table and close to where I sit. So thankful for these and the growth we’ve gone through together. And the cool thing is going through all this I have some new place cards to put on the table. Having people makes life exciting again to continue to live in the present and continue to hope for a better future.
Time moved on, the table was flipped and I didn’t get the expected spouse and kids. I didn’t like it one bit at the time. As time continues to move forward, I can see it for what it is and make my way forward the best I can. I have the freedom to make it beautiful in a new and expanded way. It may not look like what I once expected or desired, but over time, with effort and using my creativity I have confidence that I can create another table setting at any time. One that fits for where I’m at on my healing journey. One that’s full of more love, more grace, more empathy, more beauty and more of what I don’t yet know I need. And for that I sit at my table with gratitude for leaning into the hard, the painful and coming back with deeper love for myself and confidence I can move forward and live an amazing life.
Naomi Geidel
Photo by Motoki Tonn on Unsplash