Single and childless are words I never thought would apply to me. I grew up believing marriage and babies were my future. How wrong can you be?
In my 50’s, I am single, never been married or had a long term relationship. I feel ashamed to admit this.
I have a good job that I do well so I fit in to the career woman description some people use associated with childless women. I have 2 cats so I can tick the crazy cat lady box too. I would like to tick the partnered box too. What is wrong with me that I can’t find someone to love and who will love me?
I have good friends who are all married with children, so I am not only not part of the mother club, I’m notin the partnered club either. It feels a very alone place to be. It is very difficult to ring partnered friends with children if you need a chat or you are looking for someone to go and do something with as you dread to hear the words “sorry I’m doing something with the kids or my partner” and you worry about getting double bingo’d. In the end you stop asking and life becomes quite insular.
It is hard to come home from a tough day and not have anyone to be pleased to see you, come home to that hug that would make it all better and to offload your day to. I also want to be the person that is there to provide that to a partner. To come home to an empty house makes work the main focus of my life and I don’t want it to be like that. Making decisions and the household chores are solely your responsibility. It often feels overwhelming and exhausting.
I was thinking about the disenfranchised grief that comes with childlessness and realised that also being single has many aspects of this too that I feel on top of my childlessness grief. This was brought to the front of my mind recently when a colleague asked me to go hat shopping with her for her daughter’s wedding. A shop for mothers of the bride had me in tears that I had not given my mum the privilege and excitement of choosing a wedding outfit, my dad the proud moment of walking me down the aisle and the reassurance at the end of their lives that their daughter would be looked after.
I am aware of the pitying looks you feel when people see you still don’t have a partner, the feelings of wondering what they think of you and why you couldn’t find someone. The attending party’s and events on your own and trying to fit in amongst couples. The times you are unwell and have no one around, having a hysterectomy and needing to stay in hospital longer as you have no one to look after you and then coming home to convalesce without anyone around was certainly a challenge on top of feeling the final realisation that I would never be a mum. No-one to share that grief with or look to a childless future with.
I would like to snuggle in my pyjama’s with a partner to watch a movie, cook dinner together and have someone to see the world with.
I know many people have partners and feel very alone or do not have good relationships and their partners provide none of what I have described. I have been told many a time that I’m probably better off on my own as relationships have their issues and challenges but I would like the opportunity to try. I am deep in grief for my childlessness, my child that never was and I also feel I am grieving for my relationship that never was. While I know I will never be a mum, I hang on to the hope that one day I could be that special person in someone’s life.
Anonymous
Photo by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash