Both adoption and biological conception are a part of my journey. After eight years of trying to build a family, a disrupted foster-adoption brought my dreams of motherhood to an end. It was a difficult time because the disruption brought on the grief from not conceiving via multiple inseminations. My goal of becoming a solo choice mom were shattered.
In the last year, participating in different childless spaces, I realized that my story is different from most single women. Most often, their stories centered around the lack of finding a suitable partner. Engaging in fertility treatments as a “solo mother” was discussed as a last ditch effort at motherhood. I have never had the desire for partnership, but I have always wanted to have a child. I knew that to have a biologicalchild, I would be electing to have fertility treatments with a sperm donor. I come from a background of privilege including middle-class, white, and educated privileges, which allowed me access to treatment including choosing the donor. I do not deny that someone with a less privileged background would not have similar opportunity to become a solo mother in the manner that I chose.
I was able to buy a house at 33, and began the foster-adoption process with a private agency shortly after moving in. Due to lack of communication and opportunity, I left the agency and completed training with my county foster care agency. My supervisor subsequently informed me that my job conflicted with fostering children from the county agency.
It was at that time, seven years ago, that I researched assisted reproductive technology options using a sperm donor. I was fortunate that I did not face restrictions as a single woman at the clinic that I chose. At the initial appointment the doctor did say that my short luteal phase might mean that I would have trouble with conceiving, but nothing more than that and he did not indicate that that was a major issue. As it happened, I was at the point in my cycle that a plan was made for insemination to occur the following month. Unfortunately, I missed the window for the medicated insemination. That was certainly a blow, but despite that I prepared for an insemination in March. This led to a year at that clinic with three inseminations done every other month in the first half of the year and tests the next three months. No pregnancies resulted. The tests showed nothing significant. Another insemination followed in December, no pregnancy.
In 2016, I changed clinics. The doctor there told me that my doctors had been doing the procedure incorrectly for frozen sperm. So, I do have some bitterness about that. Nevertheless, I had four more inseminations and did not get pregnant. I do not remember when my period started following the eighth insemination. I do not know if I decided at that time that eight times was enough. Perhaps, I made that choice subconsciously when I ordered the sperm the second time. My age could have been a factor as I was 35 and 36 years old or the fibroids that I have could have been a cause, but nothing concrete was found.
A year passed before I decided to pursue foster-adoption again.It was three years before I had a placement; the placement that was disrupted and ended my motherhood journey. I chose not to foster another child as this experience was one that I did not want to repeat. At 41, with my previous experiences, I was burnt out and was not in the financial position to pursue IVF. I now know that IVF at that age probably would have had a low probability of succeeding.
The theme of choice is prominent in my story. I made the choice to pursue solo motherhood. I regret the physical, mental, emotional, and financial tolls of my experience, yet I experienced agency. While I regret that childlessness is the outcome, I do not regret that I tried. My story reflects the choice to pursue starting a family in the manner that I chose, as a solo mother.
Emily Stout
Photo by Estúdio Bloom on Unsplash