Men Matter Too
Men Matter Too; Yes, I think I’m starting to believe that a little. I’m 62 yrs old now. By the time my wife was in her mid forties we had pretty much given up on having a child, and it never did happen. I was devastated at the thought. For many years the feelings came and went, it wasn’t a constant pressure on my mind. I never thought to talk to anyone back then about it. Who would I talk to? It was like, this is something I just have to go through and deal with by myself. I told my wife just the other day that the only chance of us having a child together was flushed down the toilet (she had a miscarriage back then). I said it was like a part of me was flushed down the toilet also. It upset me to say those words to her I was on the verge of tears. She just looked at me, she didn’t know what to say. Above all I do love her so much. She is my special person. That has help me through some of it.
It’s been mixed emotions for me at times. She has two from a previous marriage but she did want to have at least one with me, and so did I. I told her a few months about how I felt about not having a child with her, how it bothered me over the years, I never did say anything before to her. She said to me, “I never knew”. It’s that stupid thing about men not expressing there emotions, there feelings. But at the same time we’ll help our partners with there troubles as best we can because they express them to us. So we know how they feel about something. We(guys) hold it in. Which I found out is the worse thing to do.
Over the thirty four years we’ve been married, it has been very difficult at times to deal with. Her daughter and son getting married (not to each other) lol. Then them having children (two each). The family gatherings, birthdays, barbecues etc. I believe with all the family type functions,… I wonder… if there might have been a little sensitivity towards me that some of these things might upset me if I were a woman.
Men are not looked at as having things like that bothering them. You’re a man, you are the stronger one. Only after he says something about things triggering or upsetting him will someone maybe think about it. But most of the times it’s thought of like,”why does he get so upset about not having children?” And they shrug there shoulders and shake there heads. Just to put that thought into perspective.
About five months after her daughter got married, she was practically hysterical, constantly upset wondering why she hasn’t gotten pregnant yet, in tears she said “what’s wrong with me? What will people think?” I remember hearing her tell her mother that. She ended up with two. The first shortly after that. “What will people think”. I’ve thought that when someone would ask me “do you have kids”. What will they think when I tell them. No matter what the reason is for not having a child(him or her) that man can feel less of a man. Face it, having a child is a milestone to a persons life, and there praised for it. Just like other things in your life. You get married “congratulations”, you buy a house “congratulations”, and you have a baby “congratulations”.
I was checked by a doctor back when we were trying, and was told I was ok. There were some circumstances with my wife after her divorce and before she met me that may be why we couldn’t have any children. I can’t be positive, but in my mind it’s the reason. And it torments me everyday.
The only reason I’m here on WCW and on the groups Facebook page is somewhat amazing the way circumstances happen. It was totally by accident one night back in June I found the blog written by Michael and Vickie Hughes (Marriedandchildless.com). I emailed him, he answered. It was one of the best things I’ve done. He was amazing, talking to me through emails, supporting me and he recommended a group to me to join. Which I did. It’s an incredible group with bunch of terrific caring people. I’m glad I joined it. It’s a place where I can vent, ask a question, or help support someone else. Because where I live I have no one to talk to.
K