Alana
The years leading up to menopause were not particularly nice years. They were full of heightened emotions, dramatic outbursts and yes, lots of crying. Having unexpected, unplanned periods with the associated dramas didn’t help either. There were regular doctor visits, different medications suggested, worthwhile counselling sessions (finally someone who really listened to me!) and lots of chatting with other older women, asking them about their symptoms and their situations.
The worst moments for me were hearing news of my friends’ children and family members’ children having babies. This blew me away every time. I would cry for hours. I was angry. I was so very sad. I was grieving again. This time, with the realisation that my husband and I would never be grandparents.
The grief of my childlessness was immense when I was 26 years old. It took its toll on everything that I did, everything I believed in and everything I didn’t want to get out of bed for. Living this unexpected childless not by choice life, has been a hard road.
Then along comes 51. This was so different though. I already felt like I didn't belong. I already felt like I had been knocked down, that I was swimming against the tide. But now it was like being pushed down further, deeper. Like being hammered into the ground with some implement that was sharper and meaner. And I didn't know if I'd ever get up again.
But I'm here to say that at 55, menopause has become my aide, my offsider, my reason for the lack of oestrogen that used to keep me so wound up, so constrained by my emotions. Having less oestrogen has driven me into a new world of apathy and general indifference, not to the point of disengagement in activities or relationships, just not so caught up by life.
I love my time alone so much more. I love pottering around doing this or that without someone giving me instructions or anyone expecting anything from me. I love my job as a teacher more because I don’t get so wound up by student behaviours, administration tasks or decisions to make.
I am not as worried or feel that I need to second guess myself or my motives when in a setting full of child-filled people. I'm not as fearful of my lack, of my deficiency. When I walk into the room, I know I bring something, that I can bring something to the table.
I know that in my job, I'm skilled, that I'm proficient and that I have something to offer. I know that in my relationships with family, I can be who I need to be to my nieces and nephews. With family, I don't have to be something that I'm not. I'm not ashamed to cry or talk about my experiences. I see glimmers all the time. I have certain friendships that warm my heart and these precious people remind me that I'm worthy.
In previous World Childless Week submissions, I've not wanted to do one for “Moving Forwards” because I've never felt like I've really moved forwards. But in these past few years, I know I've changed a lot and see things differently to how I did before. I'm grateful for those childless women who love on me when I need them and I'm thankful for my child-filled friends who listen and care.
So thank you, WorldChildlessWeek for giving me this opportunity to consider how I’ve moved forwards. I'm thankful to have reached menopause and for the hormone changes that have given me an unexpected outlook. I’m thankful for my God who has sustained me and held me by His grace and mercy through all these turbulent, emotional years.
I AM the childless aunt, the childless friend, the childless colleague that wishes she wasn't who she is. But I'm happy to look for the glimmers. And I'm happy to find joy in the various relationships and experiences that will come my way in the future.
