#RedefiningmyPlanA is how I eventually found the strength to move forward after accepting that my journey (of trying to have a child of my own) was over.

My purpose for #RedefiningmyPlanA is help others accept, embrace & thrive when there are changes in life. The most profound of these changes for my life was five years ago when I first had to try and come to terms with being childless.

This was especially challenging for me as my husband has a child from a previous relationship and I knew he would always be considered a parent where I would never truly be considered by society to be a mother.

My whole adult life has involved experiencing a range of setbacks, challenges and traumas but somehow, I always tried to find a way to move forward by looking at the different pathways available to me and choosing the best option at the time.

My journey of trying to become a mother to my own child officially ended on 1 November 2015. I continued on in my life in a bit of a fog feeling that I didn’t quite feel in sync with many of my friendships as I was childless.

But where was the support for moving off the infertility hamster wheel and standing in a fog of uncertainty for what the rest of my life as a woman unable to bear children?

In August 2017, I decided to do a search on Facebook for any pages or groups for people who didn’t have kids. I found plenty of blogs and groups about being childfree, but I knew that definition didn’t apply to me. Then I decided to try the word “childless” and the search results led me to an amazing blog called “Not So Mommy…” by Brandi Higgins Lytle.

That was a profoundly soul-settling day where I knew I belonged somewhere, that is, I was part of a community of men and women in the childless-NOT-by-choice community. I then found out about the inaugural World Childless Week in September 2017 where my mind and soul were ignited by the global community of support and understanding.

FINALLY, there was a plethora of support groups, social groups, bloggers etc that were all about providing me a place to connect, open up and share what it feels like to be childless despite making every reasonable effort (for my situation).

By mid-2018, I still found myself wondering what my path in life as a childless woman was meant to be, that is, was I living the best possible life and what could I offer the world? I had read a lot of blogs and articles about finding your plan B life. But this concept never quite resonated with me.

On 24 August 2018 (a freezing winter’s day in Melbourne), a grief anniversary in my infertility journey, my husband and I decided to create a new positive memory for the day by getting professional photos with our furbabies taken by Ella+Friends Photography.

After we got home from the photoshoot, it occurred to me that I had been holding onto the idea that a life where I got to become a mother was the only worthwhile option and that a life without a child would be second-rate or even third-rate as that was what our society had showed me.

What I realised that day was my assumption was that becoming a mother would have been a life filled with only positive experiences i.e. where my child would have born in perfect (physical and mental health), I would have been a naturally great mother and that I would have not been challenged in any way to raise a happy healthy child as well as resuming my successful career.

After working in project management for the past 25 years, I knew that whenever a project is having issues, it is up to the Project Manager to work out how to keep the project on track by making changes that don’t alter the overall outcome(s) of the project.

What I’ve done throughout my life is give my best at trying to achieve something and if things don't work out, I work on being able to walk away to finding a new/altered direction. As I often tell my husband when we encounter a problem, "there's always a solution". It's an approach from my professional life that often serves me well in my personal life.

By considering my life as a project with many phases, I realised that #RedefiningmyPlanA is how I have chosen to reshape my life when a particular phase gets derailed by circumstances beyond my control. I did this by acknowledging my ultimate goal of having a happy fulfilling life.

Acceptance of being childless-not-by-choice required me to actively work out what my next iteration of Plan A would look like and including finding ways to not just survive but to THRIVE.

When I look back at my life over the past 20 years, I reckon I’m up to version 7 of my Plan A by now

In summary, here’s what I realised when I knew that I was ready to move forwards as a #childlessnotbychoice person (and sometimes need to keep reminding myself):

• Know that YOU can set your own pace of when you are ready to reach acceptance of being #childlessnotbychoice.

• It is possible to have a life that is different from the one you’d planned (or the one you’d been raised to believe in) and that is WORTHY. Try not to see your different life as being second or third or fourth best.

• YOU can decide what path works for you and your specific life situation.

• Look for ways to make the most of the life you do get to have by seeking a path that will bring you opportunities to find joy and optimism once again.

• Seek connections with others in a similar life path to yours and you might be surprised how much more you have in common than being childless.

I hope that by reading my story of how I moved forward, you will be encouraged to know that it's okay to fall down and that it's also okay to get up and walk away but in a different direction. And if you need help in finding that new direction, there are great ways to find support including turning to someone you can trust to help you.

LizC

@redefiningmyplana