Menopause can be an incredibly challenging time for many women, and particularly for those of us who are involuntarily childless.
Yet there can also be a renewed sense of liberation and freedom on the other side too – once you break free of the additional trauma menopause can trigger for involuntarily childless women.
Menopause: the hope of becoming a mum goes out permanently for childless women
Even though I’d made a conscious decision to be happy despite being involuntarily childless, when I hit menopause, I discovered, completely out of the blue, that I’d never given up hope.
My thirties and forties were an emotional roller-coaster as I came to terms with becoming involuntarily childless. For years I cried a lot and as in despair until I embarked upon my healing journey – so I could create a happy meaningful life despite not having children.
By healing from my trauma, exploring new possibilities, surrounding myself with childless friends, and getting involved in charitable projects, I eventually rebuilt a good life and been happy again.
I was in a place of emotional acceptance and able to enjoy time with parents and children again, rather than feeling upset or sad.
Until menopause hit, and the finality began to sink again.
More sadness, loss, and grieving
This was it; it really was over.
The lightbulb of hope had gone out – forever!
There was no way of reversing it.
I would NEVER have my own children.
The reality that I was no longer fertile hit me with a thud I hadn’t expected.
It was time yet again to release all my lost dreams and the many experiences I would never enjoy as a mother or grandmother…
Yes, at a conscious level I’d been at peace with being involuntarily childless and was happy with the decisions I’d made – not to go through IVF again or to pursue adoption.
But it was only when I reached menopause I realised that at an unconscious level and cellular level, my body had still been going through the motions each month in readiness to produce babies. Until my monthly cycle stopped. And with that any hope of becoming a mum.
The whole injustice of it all flared up again.
Most people experience the privilege of being a parent. Why not me?
Involuntarily childless men in their forties, fifties, and beyond still have hope. Yet that’s obviously not the case for women.
The trauma of never having had children intensifies the sense of a loss of sexuality and womanhood that women can often feel post-menopause.
Even now as I write this, I find myself wanting to shout out to parents: “At least you are a mother with at least one child! Be grateful for that and be mindful that there are many of us who are involuntarily childless.”
The loss of never having had a child (if you wanted one) exacerbates any grief from no longer being fertile. We have additional trauma to cope with at menopause.
Questioning my purpose again as an involuntarily childless woman
As I went through the Menopause, I found myself questioning the purpose of my life again.
Asking myself all sorts of questions including:
If one of our core purposes as a woman is to have children, who am I now that possibility is over?
What’s my value to society?
Why do I feel I’ve failed because I’ve not had children?
What’s the point in me being here?
What legacy do I want to leave in the world if it’s not children?
Involuntarily childless: the ongoing healing journey
I also reflected on other future life events that I would miss out on and yet be expected to witness with joy for others:
Seeing my children grow up to be the incredible adults they could have been.
Becoming a grandmother – having fun with my grandchildren.
Enjoying family dinners, weddings, Christmases, and holidays surrounded my children and grandchildren.
Menopause reminded me that being involuntarily childless is an ongoing healing journey – that there will always be times when the sadness of not being a mum may resurface.
We can heal from our trauma of being involuntarily childless
Thankfully as a coach and therapist, I have the tools to let go of any negative feelings as they come up, so I can move on and focus on continuing to enjoy a happy meaningful life.
I’m so grateful to be able to use tapping (EFT), NLP, theta healing, and hypnosis to overcome loss, upset, and disappointment and make the most of life. Without these, I know I wouldn’t have coped so well.
Renewed hope and unlimited possibilities post menopause
Dwelling on what hasn’t been feels selfish to me given so many women haven’t had the privilege of reaching this age.
So, I chose the latter. Over the years I’ve done all I can to be free of all traumas associated with being involuntarily childless. I’ve also enjoyed the adventure of discovering who I am at this stage of life, and want to be in the future, so I can have a positive impact on the world and feel my life has mattered.
Just as endings and beginnings are common threads in all forms of nature, The menopause offers us new opportunities too – it may physically signify the end of your fertile years, but it is also the start of your wisdom years and unlimited possibilities that could lie ahead.
We don’t need to have children to feel our life has been worthwhile. There are so many ways to enjoy a life without children.
We all have a choice – you can hold on to the distress, sadness, and upset of being involuntarily childless but that will only make your future worse. Or you can proactively take action to heal yourself from the trauma of reaching menopause without having children – so you can make the most of life and be happy again. The likelihood is you’ve got many more years ahead.
Reaching a place of inner re-alignment around my identity (who I am without children) ignited new confidence and optimism for the future. Being involuntarily childless is part of my story but I won’t let it define me or ruin my life.
As I stepped into my identity as a strong post-menopausal woman who happens to be involuntarily childless, I also found my voice in writing and speaking about my experiences so other involuntarily childless women wouldn’t feel so alone.
Having let go of the dream of becoming a mother and grandmother once and for all, I feel there’s a clearer path forward, even if I’m unsure of what’s around the next corner. I feel I’m on a fabulous new adventure.
What about you?
Are you ready to let go of your grief and trauma so you can enjoy a happy life where you feel loved, feel you matter, and your life has been worthwhile?
Has menopause given you the desire to overcome the trauma associated with being involuntarily childless so you can create many happy meaningful years ahead without children?
Wherever you are on your journey, please don’t suffer alone. There are so many other involuntarily childless who have been on a similar journey and will be able to help and support you, so you can be happy again.
With love and gratitude,
ur
Alisoun
Alisoun Mackenzie
