Becky
Hi there, my name is Becky Townley. I’m approaching 60 (18th December, cards welcome!) and over the last 15 or so years I’ve been on a journey of making peace with not having had the biological family I always dreamt of and assumed I would have. I’m grateful for safe places like this where we can share our stories, grief and be there for each other. It’s easy to feel like the whole world is focussed on the one thing we don’t have, and what makes that even harder is we know babies should always be celebrated. Each tiny life is a miracle.
I want to be upfront and say that I have six amazing step-grandchildren, all of whom have helped to soothe the pain and fill the gap of having an empty womb. I realise not every childless woman has that and my heart is for them, and you if that’s you. Some women feel having a stepfamily is enough, and perhaps it should be, but when I don’t see anything specifically of me in their beautiful faces or personalities, I feel the longing even now.
My childlessness is largely, maybe entirely, due to my faith. That may sound horrendous to you but bear with me a moment. As a Christian committed to honouring God in the way I live, I chose not to date anyone I was not serious about and, because I believe sexual intimacy is for marriage only, I was determined not to have sex before I got married. Of course, I didn’t realise that would mean waiting a very long time!
Faith has been an important part of my life for as long as I can remember. My relationship with God and believing Jesus is who he says he is, anchors my world view in a reality that works for me; the decisions I make, in the way I relate to everything and everyone. In having strong boundaries, I have a sense of freedom that is very precious.
However, surrendering my life to God means just that, not doing things my way. So, the husband search took way longer than expected with the longing for a family ever present.
Hope of being a mother remained even as the reality was fading. By God’s grace, I kept my promise and the first time I had sex was on my wedding night aged 43. I hear your ouch! It was also the night I thought I would get pregnant. Wrong! Despite my wanting to believe I’d been (God-)given a final chance at motherhood, it didn’t happen and so there I was mid-forties, no kids, no ‘mini-me’. I struggled with the fact it seemed it wasn’t important to God for me to have children. To compound things, soon the first ‘grandchild’ was imminent.
At this point I had some serious decisions to make. Part of me wanted to run in the other direction and have nothing to do with the next generation. I didn’t want any toys in the house or any signs that children might be welcome. But the other part of me loves babies and also my husband who would be torn about seeing his children and grandkids but not wanting to upset me. I could not allow that to happen. As a family we get on well, yes, sometimes choosing to put our personal feelings aside to grow close to one another. It has been worth it.
A defining moment came when early one morning with my face buried in my pillow, I felt God say to me “I’m sad too.” I was stunned. What? God is sad I don’t have children! I mean he’s got he’s whole world to watch over, immeasurably more serious situations than mine to help, and yet, he says that! I’d always known God loves me but assumed it didn’t matter to him if I was a mum or not. But apparently, it DID! Without getting into debates about suffering/free will/God being loving or full of wrath for the people he made, I’m telling you, sensing God say that, was IMMENSE!
I’m not saying from then on life has been a breeze, in fact just recently old feelings have resurfaced with quite a vengeance, but overall, it made a huge difference. I’m grateful for what I do have and what I don’t is just how it is. I am blessed to have a comfortable life with amazing adventures. I don’t lack, feel overlooked or unfulfilled. I’m loved and love. I’m part of something I believe in and find hugely rewarding. I travel with my husband’s work and meet many wonderful people. I am able to encourage others in their own struggles, which is a huge privilege.
My reason for sharing is because of my heart for you and your childless story. A huge percentage of us haven’t reproduced for many reasons, all feeling we’ve missed out on the most important thing. As a Christian, I have meaning and purpose, not where I thought, but by investing in the opportunities I’ve been given. Looking ahead, I believe in the life to come we will have a profound sense of wholeness that is deeply satisfying. You can know this too.
I hope you feel encouraged to lift your eyes and maybe, just maybe, sense a flicker of new hope. I believe God made you with a purpose that reaches beyond the here and now. I pray you find it.
Love and blessings
