That she bear children is not a woman’s significance. But that she bear herself, that is her supreme and risky fate.
D. H. Lawrence
There’s a burden of low self-worth carried by every childless woman in the world. But it isn’t ours and we need to give it back. Give it back to the media, to Hallmark cards, to politicians, to Hello magazine, to employers, workplaces and everywhere else where we have felt uncomfortable, to anyone who has suggested through word or deed that, because we don’t have children, we are somehow worth less than those who do, that we understand less about what it is to grieve or be afraid.
I’ve lost count of the times I have heard someone say or write, ‘As a mother,’ or ‘As a parent,’ with the suggestion that this means that they have a unique degree of empathy or understanding about some awful event in the news. I’ve even fallen into the trap myself, said, I know I’m not a parent, but…’
I am making a promise that I won’t do it any more. I will not be complicit in my own perceived unworthiness and you don’t need to either. None of us do. I have as much empathy as a parent does, I cried over the death of Alan Kurdi, of April Jones, of Logan Mwangi and I will continue to grieve for our lost children in the same way as anyone would. That is our humanity. And our humanity is bigger than our status as parent or non-parent.
I might be different. But I am not less.
These every day slights and reminders can chip away at us, erode our fragile self-worth even further if we let them. But if we pull back from the brink, take a deep breath in, and look up at the limitless sky, then we can begin to shield ourselves from those arrows, from those words. Arm ourselves with worth, shield ourselves with it, act ‘as if’ until we come to believe it ourselves and surround ourselves with those who build us up, give us the space and time we need to grieve and to find, move into and fully inhabit our lives of worth, of value.
Don’t let anyone take it away from you. Don’t allow their suggestions to sink in so that you believe it too. Challenge what others say, to their faces, or just inside your own head or with your friends and allies, and challenge your own thoughts too.
We didn’t want to be here, walking this path. We did all we could to prevent it from happening. But here we are. And don’t we owe it to ourselves to make this path as beautiful as it can be, and to populate it with people and animals we love and who love us?
To walk every day on the ground of our worth and to make it beautiful. To believe it and to believe ourselves. This is our ‘supreme and risky fate’.
We are worthy. Of course we are. As worthy as parents, as worthy as the childfree. We are worthy, because we are human.
And no-one can take that away from us. When we believe. When we act. When we learn to affirm, with every word, every act and every gesture that we are worthy as a non-parent, as a human, that we are worthy exactly as we are.
Meriel Whale
Photo by Jared Subia on Unsplash
Meriel Whale Counselling
Compassionate effective counselling for childlessness: Meriel is an experienced cousellor, LGBTQIA+ and neurodivergent inclusive. She responds with compassion, listens with empathy and values you exactly as you are. No matter how strong your feelings are, she will be able to help you process them so you can move forward with your life, staying with you on your path for as long as you want or need her to. Drawing on her experience and training, she'll walk alongside you until you see a way forward to a fulfilling life without children.