Teen
As a child I have been lined up with my brother and cousins and these have always been my favourite photos. “Stand next to your brother”. The most recent photo will show how we have aged evenly and who is taller than the oldest. An even step between each of us, neat and tidy. Perfect.
A big family gathering at a party or wedding would involve a group photo, a sibling photo, a cousins and second cousins line up. I dreamed of having this when I grow up; my family next to my brothers family, our parents and grandparents. A neat and tidy family. Generations and offsprings smiling similar facial shapes. My mum has a photo displayed on their fireplace of 5 generations, her being the youngest- the baby in her mother’s arms. I will not have this as my grandmother has died- its just 2 generations- my mum and I. Then the line stops. How different lives are and my line up may be more than others, maybe neater than others but I feel a pressure of perfection in my life. I grew up in what I felt was a perfect life and I expected to have this perfect life but some bricks have crumbled underneath me.
After my Nan died there was a group photo at a party and this was framed for my Grandad as a gift but he disliked it. I remember his reaction and he explained to the family that the line up was not correct. His wife was missing. People didn’t understand, his line up and offspring didn’t understand and I didn’t back then until now that I am feeling the loss of a loved one’s presence in a photo.
When I was pregnant I imagined what our family line up would look like. I imagine that most people consider their line up when they say how many children they would ideally like. I wanted my brother’s daughter to be stood next to our due son. She did not have any siblings at this time so I was excited to watch their relationship grow and play together. He would have second cousins that would be similar age as we were becoming pregnant one after the other in a succinct timeline. They would most likely have similar facial structure in the same way that I have with my second cousins, possibly contrasting hair colours. All attractive with large eyes and looking much like their descendents in the larger line up.
Sadly our Son died and didn’t make the line up and he doesn’t get mentioned as being missing or sitting on the substitutions bench. The line up photos are now traumatic for me to see. “What a beautiful family” my relations comment. “How perfect!”. The children are sat in matching outfits, beautiful children playing together, growing up together. They know my other family members as another child’s parent but how do they recognize myself and my husband when we are the adults who seem to appear in the background of a reunion but without bringing children for them to play with.
My husband and I now have 2 children missing in our life, 2 children who should be alive but sadly died in my womb. We attend family gatherings and watch children running around together at similar ages to what our children should be. These children would be friends with our children. These children would know us as their cousins’ parents. Who are we in their future line up or in their generational photo?
One time the family planted a sunflower seed for each young generation child, each child that was alive. There were no seeds for our 2 children. In the same way that our children our not growing, their seeds were not growing. However the alive children’s seeds were growing well and relatives were comparing their heights.
Once when I was watching my niece play and she had dolls that represented her and her sister. She then lifted a male and female doll and she told me that they were a couple but didn’t have children. She looked straight into my eyes. I wondered if these dolls were me and my husband. Was she trying to make sense of who her Auntie and Uncle’s life and why they don’t bring her children to play with like other adults do?
I am trying to make sense of this life myself and to accept that my family tree has stopped. I am accepting that my name is that point where the tree has stopped. When my parents are sadly no longer around, it will be myself and my husband. Childless. I have been told not to be bitter and that the other children’s lives need celebrating. It is good to feel togetherness and when I am at home with my husband, I feel together as a family with our lost children but when I attend a family reunion I feel a great emptiness and incompleteness. Our sons names are not mentioned by my relatives. It feels as though they did not exist. These people would have been our son’s uncle, cousin, 2nd cousin, great aunt and even great great uncle. They would have sent him cards like they do with other children. They would have been excited to see how he has grown. I look at the children that are his second cousins and I consider that if they not have survived, their names would not be mentioned. They could also have been forgotten. But they are alive, so their lives are celebrated. It doesn’t sit comfortably with me. It feels false.
If you have hit your growth milestones you will attend a reunion with confidence and posture, but for me I have not reproduced. I feel immature in a line up. We got married and then it has stopped. We have spent years trying and trying again. In the meantime, others have succeeded and their families grow. I remember my father watching my niece sleeping and he told me “you can have one of these”. I hear this over and over again. The innocence behind it, how easy it sounds. The trying hasn’t worked, or its worked then not worked. We have never been diagnosed as infertile or as having a fertility condition. My relatives will say “doesn’t time fly” or “where has the time gone?”. The time has gone on trying. Trying to expand the generations, trying to extend my family tree, trying to line it up.
