Daniela Pfaltz
08/07/2025 Childless Not by Choice event at the European Investment Bank, Luxembourg
Finally, the day had come: the awareness event for being childless not by choice that I had wished for since so many years at my workplace was announced for the 8th of July.
I had decided to contribute to this event by sharing my personal story with my colleagues. And this courage to speak up for those who can’t (yet) was rewarded by an immense wave of kindness and love I received during the event and afterwards. Never had I seen so many emoji hearts on the laptop screen during a workplace call than in that moment. I knew, I had done the right thing at the right moment. For this year’s World Childless Week I wish to share my speech.
My daughter’s name would have been Laura. I was absolutely convinced that one day she would join me in this life. But everything changed in December 2018 when, during a routine ultrasound, there was no longer a heartbeat. In that moment, the dream of motherhood ended forever, after a long journey of hope.
The pregnancy had felt like a miracle, conceived through IVF using one of the eggs I had preserved before cancer treatment in 2013. Anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss knows how deeply traumatic and heartbreaking it is.
I returned to work two weeks later, trying to put on a mask to hide how miserable I felt inside. Broken, empty, sad but also angry, frustrated, and jealous. I still remember sitting here at this desk in 2019, sorting documents, when my hand paused on a birth certificate dated almost exactly when I had expected to welcome my own baby. Tears came, and I felt so alone.
I lost any connection to joy and withdrew from social life, and then the COVID pandemic added to my isolation. Eventually, I searched for books to help me find a “Plan B.” I discovered Jody Day’s Living the Life Unexpected and Gateway Women, a community that helped me understand I was experiencing deep grief. Grieving the motherhood, I would never know, the dream of holding my baby in my arms that would never come true, the word “maman” I would never hear.
Accepting this grief as a lifelong companion was incredibly hard. But slowly, a small light appeared. I met Karin Enfield-De Vries in 2020, and for the first time, I could speak openly about my burden. The same year I contributed to the World Childless Week with an article on my Plan B. I realised I was not alone any longer.
It took three years to find peace with the reality that grief comes in waves, triggered by small moments like seeing a child hug their parent. Today, I can once again feel joy for people starting families - something I struggled with, even when my own brother became a father.
I am childless not by choice, due to a combination of circumstances: focusing on education and career in my twenties, marrying someone who later revealed he didn’t want children, divorcing at 37, and then facing an aggressive breast cancer diagnosis shortly after.
Now, as I approach 50, I reflect on what I have achieved and what I have missed. For a long time, I did not know how to live a fulfilling life without being a mother. Today, I can speak about this journey without breaking down, in the hope it helps others understand their own grief, find acceptance, and speak up for themselves.
So many times, I just wished someone would say: “I see you. I feel you. I’ve been there.”
My legacy is to break the taboo and speak openly about involuntary childlessness.
There are a few things I hope you will take away:
If you want children, don’t wait for the perfect time; your biological window is not as flexible as your career.
If your partner has different views about having children, have honest conversations early, even if they are hard.
If you are a parent of adult children, don’t pressure them with questions about having kids. You may not know what they are going through.
Acceptance of childlessness can be the start of creating a connected, fulfilling life.
If a colleague mentions fertility treatment or not having children, remember they may be in deep pain. Be kind and mindful.
For those facing cancer, please be aware of the long-term impact on fertility and seek onco-fertility information early.
And most importantly, if you are struggling with the emotional challenges of being childless not by choice, please don’t stay alone. Seek support and speak about your feelings.
I am especially honoured that Karin Enfield-De Vries accepted the role of the guest speaker. She has long been a personal role model and a leading voice in coming to terms with involuntary childlessness. The first encounter with Karin marked the beginning of my healing journey. I hope today has helped some of you take a step forward on your own path.
Thank you for listening, and please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m here for you.
