Anonymous

One black eye
One split lip
And more tears than I care to remember

As I sat on the toilet I felt you leave
Your existence suddenly real
I said to myself “I can’t cope with this as well”
I twisted and flushed my child away
The child I never knew existed
Until the moment I lost them

I stood in front of the mirror
I saw bruises, cuts and tears
I repeated “I can’t cope with this as well”

I can’t cope with this as well
I can’t cope with this as well

I left the room
I returned to my abuser
I forgot you ever existed

Time went by
I had a new life
I had escaped my abuser
I was healing from the damage he had done
Or so I thought

I went with friends to see a psychic
She amazed us with what she knew
Small facts that we didn’t even know about each other
But she got one thing wrong, so wrong

She told me I had a child
I told her she was wrong
She said I was a mother
I told her it was not so
She questioned if I’d lost a child
I told her again, I was not a mum

I went home
I was angered by her insistence

But then I remembered

I was a mum

I was a mum who had intentionally forgotten her child
I couldn’t cope with the knowledge
There were more tears than ever before
The pain was more intense than any punch
The heartbreak
The guilt
The realisation

I flushed my child away

No recognition
No respect
No dignity

I cried
I screamed
I lamented my loss

He’d punched me in the stomach
He’d murdered my child
But was that as bad as what I had done?

I flushed my child away.