WK
I am in the last year of my 30s.
When I was 32, I was newly married and was ready to start a family.
As soon as we said, "I do" we started TTC.
I was invisible and naive to miscarriages, pregnancy difficulties, TTC.
I believed in the process of pregnancy + labour = baby.
As each period arrived, my mental health slowly declined.
I went to acupuncture, watched what I ate, took weight loss meds, supplements and worked out.
We talked about our children's names, our parenting styles and the future to come.
My mental health tanked.
TTC was all consuming.
Then it happened.
I was pregnant twice for 56 days, each time.
My pregnancies ended in miscarriage, each time.
It’s the nightmare on childless not by choice street.
I decided to not hide in shame regarding my grief with TTC and my miscarriages.
During the 4 years of TTC, I opened up to some of my friends.
They told me everything happens for a reason.
They told me it was easy for them to conceive; they got pregnant on their first try.
They told me to work out because that it would induce endorphins to have more sex.
They told me to not have any stress while TTC.
They told me to get drunk and to relax and that it would happen for me.
They told me that since my sister had kids, I would be fertile too.
They told me they had a miscarriage and got pregnant right after. This is normal.
They told me their friend, a friend, got pregnant after trying for "x" years.
It’s the nightmare on childless not by choice street.
For 4 years, we hoped, we held our breath, over and over and over and over and over again.
I decided I couldn't do it anymore for the sake of my mental health.
I feared the upcoming tests with the fertility doctor.
I couldn't mentally handle another miscarriage.
I wanted out of the all-consuming, merry-go-round of TTC.
I didn't trust my body to carry to full term if it ever happened for us.
We walked away when I was 36.
We closed the door on a life spent raising children, becoming grandparents.
I closed the door on motherhood and to the mom club.
My husband closed the door on fatherhood and the dad club.
I went into therapy for my infertility grief.
I hate that my body could not carry full term.
I carry guilt that I could not give my husband and our families a baby.
I am sad that it never happened to us.
I am relieved that it is over.
It’s the nightmare on childless not by choice street.
For 7 years, running parallel to me was my friend's pregnancy/childbirth/motherhood journey.
I could not escape the baby announcements to friends and family online.
I could not escape the pictures posted online of the pregnancy bellies at 6, 7, 8 and 9 months.
I could not escape the baby shower pictures.
I watched my friends carry to full term and bring their healthy babies earthside.
I bought the cards and the gifts.
I visited my friends and met their babies.
I stood on the sidelines while my friends entered the mom club.
It’s the nightmare on childless not by choice street.
11 times I said "congratulations!! I am so happy for you" with a smile.
11 times it felt like a punch to the gut.
11 times I sank further in my grief.
11 times I was reminded of the children I was not going to have.
It’s the nightmare on childless not by choice street.
When I am together with friends, we talk about their motherhood.
I sit with anxiety and dread when there are 2 or more parents in the room.
I sit in silence, listening to the conversations swirl around being a mother and raising children.
I can't relate to them in this area of life and I feel like I don’t belong. It stings.
The baby announcements keep coming.
Always another baby announcement lurking in the shadows.
This moment in life my friends are growing their families.
I know I can and will escape this ongoing nightmare.
I have to embrace my truth and look forward to my future.
Only I can end this nightmare and finally dream in peace.
