In my teens I had my perfect life all planned out; married in my 20s, 3 kids by the time I'm 30 and we all live happily ever after.
By my early 30s I found myself single again and things not going quite to plan.
I had quite firm views on how it should pan out, like despite being single in my 30s I never wanted to have kids outside of marriage. Looking back now, I don't know where those views came from. Perhaps it was the expectation within our family, the thought I'd be frowned upon if I strayed from the norm, but I didn't have an issue with it. I was already the black sheep for choosing a career path that didn't involve University so I didn't plan on disappointing any further.
By my mid 30s I had finally found the love of my life and we married, but my black sheep label was following me. He was 17 years my senior and a single dad of 3 (totally awesome) kids. I did my very best to be whatever they wanted me to be for them, but I understood, and never wanted to, take the place of the mum they lost.
My husband knew how important having kids was to me so we didn't waste any time. He was worried about being an "old" Dad and I wasn't getting any younger.
But that didn't go to plan either.
Over the space of the next 5 years I had had 8 miscarriages, a baby who died of Edwards syndrome and failed ivf. Our relationship was hanging by a thread.
We tried very hard to protect his kids from any of the strain, probably unsuccessfully, and finally reached a point when we couldn't go on any further.
We agreed to stop trying, but the truth is I still hoped it would. I never imagined I would never be a mum. Regardless of what I felt was expected of me, it was the one thing I always thought would happen and desperately wanted it to.
The void between me and my family was pretty large. My sister had 2 boys and my parents were enjoying being Grandparents. All my friends had kids and my cousins all had their arms full.
I'd never felt more of a black sheep than at this point. It felt like people thought I wasn't trying hard enough, like I was trying to deviate from the norm. Like I was letting them all down. I didnt open up about my journey to anyone and no one asked. It felt like I was imprisoned on an island watching my family and friends from a distance getting on with their family lives. My mum and sister too busy with theirs to notice me. Like I'm the kid in the playground desperate to play with the others but they won't let me join in.
I still believe they all think I didn't try hard enough, perhaps I wanted to be different. I'm looked down on for being different, for not being normal, for not having kids.
Shortly after my 40th birthday I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My Oncologist made it very clear, given my history, that the treatment would end any further chances I had of becoming a mum.
People say life is like a deck of cards and you have to play with the hand you're dealt. I don't think I have a very good hand, but it's what I've got to work with. I've just finished my cancer treatment and am trying to work out what to do with my life now. I have a massive hole where my kids should be and I don't know how or what to fill it with. I want to run away every time someone tells me they are pregnant, or someone looks down on me for being childless and inferior. I'm never going to be a mum or a gran. I'm never going to have those 'first' experiences of first steps, new shoes, first day of school, graduation, and im judged for it. People assume you chose the easy life without kids, that you're lazy for opting out. But the reality is far from that. I want to run away from it all but I can't. It's the hand I've been dealt and I have to work out what to do with it.
In some ways I'd rather I was a black sheep. He might look different to others but he's still part of the herd.
Anonymous