When lockdown first began, I thought I was more than prepared. After all, I had already been through the trauma and grief of being unable to work due to lifelong mental health issues (anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, panic attacks), chronic exhaustion and chronic pain. This happened eleven years ago; in that time, I have also seen my dreams of having a family of my own evaporate due to my health, circumstances and (unbeknownst to me) fibroids which necessitated a hysterectomy. Lockdown felt like another circumstance over which I had limited control, though I was confident I could adapt. As the TV ads here kept saying, "we're all in this together."
Except we're not really all in this together. I realised quickly that my hopes for a more cohesive world in which people understood that, regardless of how hard one works to achieve goals, some circumstances cannot be controlled, were not going to eventuate as I had hoped. I live a life that is, by necessity, mostly online (aside from lockdown restrictions I have social anxiety and find being around too many other people difficult for my fragile nervous system) and the online world showed me that I am not part of the 'club.'
Almost every news story or article referenced families and their needs. How grandparents were struggling without seeing their grandchildren and vice versa. How mothers, in particular, were struggling to find any time for themselves, in between supervising school children learning at home and managing work and other aspects of life. How lockdown for those without children was easy as families were the ones suffering and doing all of the heavy lifting.
As a CNBC woman, lockdown has been hard. Really hard. My story is not validated by any news outlets. I decided to limit my news intake as I found it too difficult to cope with the headlines, in which anyone who sadly passed away due to COVID-19 was described in relation to their status as parents: "beloved great-grandfather;" "young mother of three;" and so on. Stories about coping in lockdown almost exclusively reported on families and their challenges. Almost every newspaper front page featured children when discussing lockdown.
So I turned to nature and started to work on building up my ability to go on walks. This too, was painful as the footpaths were filled with families, often with young children on bikes careening past. Families own their space to the exclusion of others most of the time; I was expected to step aside and make way, my head down to hide the tears. When I became disheartened by the walking, I stayed home more - only to spend my days hearing young children next door playing in the backyard. Everywhere I turned, another trigger emerged and my loneliness grew. The online Gateway Women community became my only refuge.
I always understood that we live in a pronatalist world but lockdown has been pronatalism on steroids. As a human being capable of empathy, I can see how difficult this period has been on those with children. But it has been difficult for those of us without children too, in a myriad of ways invisible to society at large.
We matter as much as anyone else. We deserve to have our voices heard. It's time to claim our space in this world.
Michelle