Sandy Langhart Michelet
World Childless Week Ambassador
I started reformer pilates a few weeks ago. I am highly impatient and get bored doing the same thing again and again. I’ve done barre (loved it for a while), floor pilates (loved it for a while), yoga (loved it for a while), the gym (loved it…..you get where I am going with this. Honestly, my favorite is from *ahem 30 years ago when step aerobics was. my. jam. Of course, 30 years ago everything was easier.
Reformer pilates has been incredible for me. I don’t get bored because we are never doing the same thing for long….and we get to work with reformer, springwall, free weights, bosu, TRX, the chair (I am sure it has a better term)…..while on the reformer we add different color springs which changes the resistance, etc. I freaking love it.
Everyone is wonderful…I’ve made friends..no one is trying to impress anyone else…we are all there to get healthier. That is it. I don’t have a goal right now other than to attend class. That’s it.
During one of the classes when we were moving between the springwall, the carriage, the mat, etc, I said “Where do they get all of these wonderful toys?”….which to me, was an obvious movie reference to the Joker asking about Batman’s non-stop gadgets. I can always be counted on to tie any obscure situation to a quote from a movie….and usually they land flat. And this one was even worse….because the “recent” Batman movie I referenced was 37 years old – older than manyyyy of the other members. I decided I will no longer share movie quotes while wearing leggings.
I’ve done the workout thing long enough to know better than to rush out and buy cute new workout clothes right away. I’ve made that mistake before, more than once, spending money on outfits for a class I ended up quitting within a month. So for now I show up in whatever’s clean, and I’ll consider the cute stuff once I know reformer pilates and I are actually going to keep our relationship going.
The first couple weeks I was shocked at how well I was doing. And then reality set in.
Some mornings I am strong and steady and moving through the whole sequence like I know what I’m doing. Other mornings I can’t hold a single position. There is no logic to when I am killing it vs when its killing me. The good and the bad days both come out of nowhere. On the days when I feel I am on fire, I wonder if I should check into being an instructor…. Other days, I wonder if I am actually getting weaker. Same equipment. Same fifty minutes. Same body.
And then it hit me. This is just like grief.
Grief has good days and bad days when you are childless not by choice…..and yes, it sometimes gets better day by day. But there really isn’t any logic. Some days you’re strong. You watch the pregnancy announcement, go to the baby shower, sit through the unsolicited advice at Thanksgiving, and you walk away completely intact. And then, on a random Tuesday, a commercial with a baby on it becomes a grief trigger you never saw coming.
Grief is not linear….and it makes its own rules.
When I was in the middle of grief, I didn’t realize I’d still struggle even when I was putting in all of the effort. I thought if I put my mind to it, I could get through it. It didn’t work like that - for a workout or for grief. You don’t get extra credit for consistency.
I used to think that meant I was doing something wrong. If I was strong on Monday, I should be strong on Wednesday. If I handled the pregnancy announcement fine last month, I should handle the next one fine too. When I didn’t, I treated it like proof I was failing, at the workout, at the grief, at whatever version of “handling it” I thought I was supposed to be performing.
I’ve finally figured out that every day is different. I just have to show up.
