Maria Hill
World Childless Week Ambassador
Attacks on my self-worth began early in my life. I instinctively knew that the messaging I received was unrelated to me and wrong; I found it confusing because the people around you only talk at you.
I began questioning the messaging at a young age. My curiosity insulated me some (but not enough) from the typical shaming and guilting that women get. Although valuable it frankly was not a solution to the overwhelming negativity I experienced that denied my rightful sense of self.
In all things, we form opinions not just based on what we think but also through our experience with others and then try to square the circle, something I discovered was not possible in this situation. Feedback is important but unfortunately too often it is wrong. As a result, we can easily have a disconnect between our true natural value and the value we are “allowed” in the human cultural world. The narratives we encounter are designed to elicit conformity and a culturally-designed self that enables us to be accepted. We lose a lot of ourselves in the process and everyone else does too.. It is such a foolish loss to not acknowledge and celebrate the full value in each person including childless women.
Culture And Worth
Human perception about worth is distorted, not just because of the patriarchy that advantages men but also because we have structured the human world hierarchically. Hierarchies define identities, roles and values, which are meant to serve the interests of the hierarchically advantaged and have been largely exploitive for thousands of years.
Therefore our worth is usually affirmed by others based on our how we might be exploited. Our current - although fading - capitalistic system typifies this attitude in its pronatalism. Because capitalism requires large numbers of consumers, women are valued foremost for childbearing - not our qualities as human beings, our skills and talents, or our work contributions.
Such a limited lens for viewing worth, which is obviously ridiculous, nonetheless has an effect especially when it is parroted by large numbers of people over time. It can feel like you are living on shaky ground when the shaky ground is caused by limited perceptions of value.
The Danger Of Stepping Out
I do not tell people to get out of their comfort zone because I find it too simplistic an answer to deep and complex issues. Essentially, the cultural systems of the past that we are trying to retire are all based on ancient models of obedience. Putting aside the reality that we all need some conformity (traffic laws, etc.) conformity and obedience are essentially demanding that we all become subservient. People in positions of power demand it as an entitlement more often than not.
You must be obedient or subservient to be accepted, is the underlying contract. If you are not, you may become an outcast. Childless women know the experience of being shunned for not conforming to the baby-making demands of society. And of course it is ridiculous. We are so much more.
You Cannot Be This
I believe we all suffer from an internal conflict created by these old hierarchical and patriarchal systems. The dissonance between who we are and how we are seen finds its way into our daily lives and our relationships. Unless we can find a way to neutralize the negative messages or gain some control over the conflict, we can suffer throughout our lives.
The issue is not simply empowerment. The qualities that patriarchal authoritarians do not like are thinking for yourself, self-awareness, and especially creativity. Creativity is both agency and fresh thinking which hierarchical systems want to discredit in order to maintain and sustain their feelings of control.
Control is a good thing unless it is poorly directed. Authoritarians devalue those who are different and creative especially women with these kinds of messages :
Do not have a mind of your own if you want to be accepted.
Do not decide differently or challenge our norms.
Do not create because that rocks the boat.
Being a pleaser is disparaged a lot; however, when you have authoritarians in charge of anything, familial, cultural, or institutional, you are expected to sacrifice your uniqueness to ensure the controllers feeling of safety and protect yourself from the acting out that comes if you do not. That includes sacrificing your intelligence, agency, and creativity. This is why so many of us feel disempowered and why it feels so dangerous to embrace our power and our worth.
Being a female means being subjected to control projections from many other people. Being childless and being different only adds to the challenge since controlling people tend to feel vulnerable easily and will perceive you as the “problem.”
So What Now?
We come into the world excited to be here and participate in the adventure called life. Then culture and family has its way with us, and our wholehearted joy gets whittled down in various ways.
I personally believe that the only way we can claim or reclaim our worth is to separate it from society. That is a journey that asks that we locate our value differently:
as a human being,
as a member of the earth system,
as a unique individual with our own gifts to give.
None of that has anything to do with culture.
We are in the process of change as a species, during which, I believe we will reshape how we identify and value ourselves. I can imagine a time in the future when gender and identity as we define them now, will not longer be our social and cultural anchors and as a result we will be freer to just be ourselves and that will be enough. Until then, it is especially important to develop boundaries that protect us from those who would disparage us. When we are one down, or lower, on the totem pole, it can seem absurd that we would have any leverage. Our boundaries can serve that purpose. Our creativity can lead us to a new life.
I think this is a great time to reflect, journal, and invite more of our natural being into our lives to be accepted and enjoyed. We need to overhaul how we view ourselves as humans and start with ourselves. We especially need to release any obligation to carry the insecurities that others project onto us. It is good for women to be free and to be free agents in their own lives.
I think we will find that eventually the journey to our true worth will be welcomed and celebrated by others as we enter this new age of the people. It’s about time we get to be just a human person and not a baby maker for a destructive culture.
We all deserve it.
Photo by Mariah Hewines on Unsplash