My name is Kerry, I am 45 and childless not by choice and circumstances. You see I had my life planned out from a very young age, married (wedding planned in detail in my head) with 3 girls (Jennifer, Sarah and Kayla) all by age 25. I didn't try hard in high school cuz I wasn't going to college or university. I was preparing to be a housewife and my husband and I would retire, we'd buy a Winnebago and drive across Canada in our golden years! 

I was a bridesmaid 8 times but never a bride, threw and attended countless baby showers but never my got one of my own. I played "house" with my 3 doll's (a regular cabbage patch kid a preemie cabbage patch kid and this other tall doll I referred to as my 3yr old) till I was to old to be seen with dolls. I begged My mom to have a baby even though my parents were divorced I would still beg her...lol….I babysat growing up for the family that lived beside us who had five children over the years and I felt it was great practice for when I would become a mom! I could not wait to see what my children would look like or what it was like to be pregnant.

I will leave this earth having never experienced that and it's a hard reality to face.

I knew it age 40 I was done, but at that same time my mental health took a nose dive, my depression returned full force so I had to quit my job and was in hospitalized a few times over the course of about 4 yrs. One night nearly taking my own life cause I didn't think I would ever be okay again, able to work again, laugh again. Thank God I fought for myself that night and didn't give up cause I am okay. I did work again, even just landed an amazing job that I absolutely love and can't say enough good things about it and I have found my laughter again finally.

Of course with all that good stuff in place my mind and body was now ready to handle the heavy grief of what I have lost in this life: the chance of getting pregnant, giving birth, throwing a first birthday party, first days of school photos, mommy groups, seeing myself in a little person, getting a minivan, baby's first Christmas, first tooth and steps, family pictures, play dates, graduations, hormones, prom's, mother of the bride, and finally grandmother.

And the hardest is living in a world where everyone around you has experienced all those things and you are expected to just be happy cause everyone thinks you're living the perfect life carefree, no husband, no kids, tons of extra money. People even try to pawn their misbehaving children on you so you can appreciate not having them. If only they knew how lucky they are, but the thing is they never can, even my own mother cannot understand my pain and I have to accept that and I am forced then to grieve in silence.

I never saw this grief coming fortunately I've been a part of support groups since I was 40 and in those support groups I discovered how I am going through the grief of losing the children I dreamed of having cause I'm my mind and heart they were real.  I'm not had much experience with very close loss and grief, thankfully in my life. But I can say I have walked past a children's park for 17yrs and suddenly last year I would be struck with horrible sadness seeing all the children playing. Seeing a baby would knock the wind out of me and tears would appear, I felt an ache in my chest and some day's sobbed uncontrollably.

I became so grateful for the support groups I had joined and even reread the books I had purchased since turning 39. I discovered I am not alone and that this was normal at around age 44-45 from other women who had gone through it and lived it. Having my feelings validated was so helpful, I could accept what I was feeling and work through it. And this is what I've been doing. It's heavy stuff and some day's are tough but I know I need to get to the other side. I want to be able to walk past the park and smile, I want children to be around me and Cheeco on our walks again. I want to be okay around babies again and I will be but for right now I do my best to avoid the triggers hard as it is, cuz triggers are all around me on a daily basis.

But I deal with it and I am healing a little more each day. 

Kerry McShane