I am childless not by choice as the result of several different factors. I grew up believing I was worthless and defective. I studied very hard for many years hoping to feel better about myself and gain approval. I never measured up. I failed to launch into life as a young adult. I had no idea how to be in relationship with others. I had learned to be a people-pleaser, a chameleon who constantly changed my colours to fit in. I made very poor choices of friends and boyfriends. Throughout my twenties and thirties, I overworked, craving validation and not wanting to go home to an empty life. I also drank very heavily. I was constantly stressed. Then in my mid-thirties I spiralled down into depression. It was bleak and dark at the time. But that illness led to help, support and change.
I worked with an amazing therapist. Three years later I met my husband through internet dating. When I was nearly 41 we starting trying for baby. I was desperate and I was also ambivalent as I didn’t believe that I would be a good mother. After a year of nothing happening, I had tests. It turned out I had severe endometriosis. I had a laparoscopy and made many lifestyle changes. Then came two early miscarriages. I was utterly filled with grief at having left it so late to try for a family.
When I was 45 we stopping trying. We were exhausted and our relationship was under severe strain. I was filled with grief for the lost opportunities of my fertile years. The loss of not becoming a mother bought up all my other losses, all the years that I had struggled painfully through life, not knowing how to relax, have fun or enjoy myself. The losses were overwhelming. I grieved and grieved and grieved.
Now, five years later, I am in a much better place.
I am no longer lost in deep grief.
I have needed support to get through not becoming a mother. I have gone back to therapy and I love and need the support of the amazing CNBC community. That support and connection helps me to live the best life I can. The loss of not having had my own child or children will always be there. But now, to quote Gretchen L Schmelzer in Journey Through Trauma, I’m making the most of
all the love and life you can grab hold of
I’m also exploring how I can make a difference to others and to our beautiful planet. I still have ‘griefy moments’ (to quote Jody Day) and, at the same time, I feel very grateful for all the good things in my life.
Rosie P