Nina Thair

To whom it may concern,

Actually, I know who this concerns. It’s you. Yes, me. I have been given license to express my feelings. I really need to. I’m angry.

I’m going to express my anger freely, without fear of platitudes or what I should and shouldn’t do, say or feel. I’m not asking for advice, opinions or judgement.

I had a partner who told me he didn’t want children when I told him I did. I stayed with him despite this, convinced he would change his mind or that I could change his mind. Why didn’t I ever walk away? I’m angry about that. 

“You made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time.” I made a bad decision and I continued to make that bad decision throughout my childbearing years. I decided to stay. I’m angry about that.

I’m angry that I didn’t have the self-esteem to believe I could meet someone else. I’m angry that I was so desperate to be loved that I chose the first person who showed an interest in me and stuck with him out of stubbornness, and not wanting to admit I was wrong. 

I was making the relationship I wanted to have, knowing full well it was one sided. I’m angry about that.

“You can’t blame yourself. You shouldn’t blame yourself.” Well, I do and I can and it doesn’t need to be taboo. 

“You shouldn’t have regrets”. I regret the choices and decisions I made when it came to men. I regret not walking away years ago. Why didn’t I want more for myself? I’m "angry about that.

In my early 20s, I had complete control and power over my life to do whatever I wanted with it. I gave that power away to a partner, so desperate was I to be loved. My goodness I’m angry about that.

I’m 50 now, and find solace in friendships, community, meditation, holidays, books, music and nature.

I will never look back without anger, upset and regret. That’s the truth. No platitudes, no opinions, no advice, no judgement. 

Yes, there were other people involved, but at the end of the day I made bad choices and I made bad decisions and I’m angry about that.