Katie G

To Mom,

I am writing this letter to you as you haven’t contacted me for more than 8 months, but it is more than that you have really hurt me with the way you treat me because I can’t give you a biological grandchild.

I am not sure where to start, probably at the beginning is best I know you never wanted me, and you found out 6 months down the line that you were having a baby and that there was not much choice other than to carry on with the pregnancy and give birth to me. I know I was the product of drunken sex but hey at least you were married so it was socially acceptable and the norm at the time. I knew you weren’t maternal all my life as you never hugged me and rarely said “I love you”.

I know you think I am a failure because of the following things: -

• I went to University and got a degree (waste of my time you said)

• I am doing a Masters currently (I am too old to do it according to you)

• I got married to a man I love (apparently, he is scum in your opinion)

• I bought a house (which was a terrible decision if I listened to you, your main objection is that it reminds you of your Mom and Dad’s house) – Even though this home I have made is the only place I have ever felt safe and able to be myself.

• I adopted a rescue dog (You said this wasn’t wise as I am too lazy and selfish to look after her properly), however she is healthy, and some would say even spoilt!

• Going ahead with having a hysterectomy (you said I had failed as a woman and wife by going through with this)

• I finally became a manager after many years of hard work (but according to you I only got the job as I am a charity case and moaner).

My failures in your eyes are some of my proudest memories, moments or steps that improved my quality of life.

I don’t think you realise how much you have hurt me or at least that is what I hope.

The worst thing you said was after your son (my brother) died when you said you wished I had died instead of him.

I thought it was just the grief talking but then you said it again.

You meant it all!

It is hard being me, let me tell you how my childlessness impacts my life …

I know I shouldn’t speak about my duties as a wife. It is hard (and a little embarrassing) to tell your Mom about your sex life, but I need to explain. When my husband and I become one in carnal pleasure it is overshadowed by the thoughts that come into my head that no matter if I enjoy it or not nothing is being made. I am just getting laid.

Another common thought I have is if I can’t create life should I be a wife?

You have never supported my decision to have a hysterectomy because of how ill I was with blood loss.

You said my body would be ruined and I would never walk right again.

But you never saw me in agony curled up in a ball in bed wishing I was dead.

Asking myself what I have done to not experience pregnancy and motherhood.

I am not going to lie having a hysterectomy was a hard decision, it gave me back my life again but now you don’t bother with me because I am defective and have no value to you.

It hurts me you don’t love me the way I am unconditionally.

You always told me you only get one mother, and you should treat them well.

It is hard for me to say to you that since you haven’t contacted me, I have been happier.

I have passed the probation part of my promotion; I have managed my team and even hired my own staff.

I know you would probably just laugh at this, but it makes me feel good.

You hurt me with your words and actions, but it may have done me some good as it has made me strong, able to fight my own battles and overcome challenges.

I am still very sad and long for a mother who is proud of me and my achievements. Someone who loves me flaws and all.

If you ever feel you can accept me, my life choices and childlessness then give me a call.

I hope that if you ever read this you get an insight into how your words went deep inside.

Let me finish by saying I don’t need you as I have a husband who loves me and my beautiful Staffie Lacey.

I am proud of myself and all I have achieved despite you and your poison.

From

Your Daughter

Image by Fathromi Ramdlon from Pixabay