When I was a kid, it seemed that I had to wait forever to be tall enough to go on the rollercoaster ride at our local amusement park.

I was small as a child, wiry and short for my age. Each summer, my family took a trip to an amusement park and I looked forward to going on the rides. I couldn’t wait until I was tall enough to go on the rollercoaster just like everyone else. I remember the years when I’d walk up the ramp to the ride and would be the only kid in our group asked to stop at the height chart to see if I met the requirement to go on the ride. When I was told I wasn’t yet tall enough, I would sadly walk away with my mom to wait while the others enjoyed the thrill of the roller coaster. Finally, one year I stood at the height chart and the employee waved me through to enter the ride! I was so excited, I had finally grown tall enough! I loved roller coaster rides for many years. The slow ascent into the air, the speed of flying down the hills, not knowing where the twists and curves would be, it was all so exciting!  

Years later, both my husband and I would face health issues and we likened those days to emotional roller coaster rides. Together we somehow endured the ups and downs of doctor visits, tests, surgeries and medication regimens. The medical aspect was difficult of course, but the outpouring of support we received was overwhelming. There were twists and turns, ascents and decents, none of it fun or thrilling this time, but a roller coaster ride none the less. 

My years of desperately trying to start a family by pregnancy or adoption was another roller coaster ride.  Again, there were more emotional ups and downs that in a cruel twist, the previous rollercoaster rides in life had not prepared us. The slow ascents this time included promises from medical professionals that I could get pregnant, followed by tears and heartbreak when that didn’t occur. I endured years of emotional twists and curves of finding new doctors and starting new medication regimens which never proved to be successful. Adoption offered new hope of children who needed a loving home like ours, but the years of financial and emotional cost eventually wore on us and we decided it was time for us to stop the roller coaster ride.

Now, I am 51 years old and the rollercoaster ride of being a childless woman continues but in a different way. These days, the ascents and descents of the ride aren’t as steep and there isn’t any speed to endure. Many days, I can see the twists and curves up ahead. The ride is no longer as controlling and it doesn’t define me.

Some days I forget that I am still on this rollercoaster and can clearly see that I have benefits that my friends with children do not and may not ever have. For example, I only work part-time because we don’t have the many ongoing expenses that parents often have. Other days, I receive an unexpected reminder that I am still on this childless ride like when I look at the young children in my family, my great nieces and nephews, and see how much they adore their grandparents, (my siblings) and I feel a pang of sadness. I go to social events and sometimes feel out of place in conversations. I still hate the inevitable question “Do you have kids?”  But I find that it doesn’t pain me like it used to and I can give an honest response without any bitterness, “No, we weren’t blessed with children.”  

After working towards my own healing and acceptance, receiving love and support from others and finding other childless women who understand and support me, the ride is much smoother. I have happiness and even joy in my life. I know that my life matters and I have meaning and purpose. My ride isn't over and will continue in some way until my life ends and I have accepted that. 

Meeting other childless women, being active in the lives of other people's children and grandchildren, having meaningful work or volunteer efforts is now the main aspect of my ride.   These things warm my heart and bring joy to my life!  My childless roller coaster ride is now on a path that I have chosen, with more peace, enjoyment and stability.

I have created a ride that I can enjoy.

Laurie P. Spellmeyer, LCSW