My 35 years has included some intense joys, and some intense heartaches. Two years ago, I began to grieve for the child I wanted and never had, and this year, I am also grieving the loss of my husband, who died 5 months ago. Even as hurt as I feel, I believe with all my heart that in the future, I will be laughing and enjoying my life again. I was thinking, what if my future happy self could write an encouraging letter to my current grieving self? I love to write, so I figured I might as well let the words flow out.

Dear Carol

You don't know me yet, but I know you really well. Sorry I can't explain more right now, but there are some important things I need to tell you for this season of your life.

First, I am so proud of you, and all the choices you have made. You received the news that you would never be a mother when you were a teenager, but you still chose a career where you served the needs of elderly and disabled people, including your beloved grandfather. For twelve years you did very well, made some precious memories, and when it was time, you walked away, with no regrets about what you offered. You fell in love and were married for five years, and when your husband died, and his twin asked to bury his body far away, near the graves of his parents and older brother, you acquiesced. Right now, that decision torments you everyday as you grieve. I'm so sorry you are hurting, Girl.

I know this season is rough for you. In this time when you are longing to cling to what is familiar, and let your mind wander back to the time when you were happily married, you have made some major changes. You have chosen to let go of so many elements of your life with your husband: most of his personal effects, your cashier job, your furniture and appliances, and the apartment you shared with him. Nice work on all that packing, unpacking, repacking you did! I know your perspective changed as the realization hit you . . . he's not coming back.

I hope you are enjoying your college courses. It's awesome that you have a goal in mind you want to achieve, and you are willing to work hard for those high grades. I am so proud of you!

Another thing: chances are, you might feel ready to date again before your family is ready to see you with someone else. It's the perfect time to keep your dating life private, trust your gut, and be open to the possibility of future happiness. Your heart will know when the right man comes along - he will encourage your dreams and work hard to achieve his own. Be patient with your family and make the most of your time with them. You won't get this chance again.

Can I tell you that I admire the way you are coping with both of your points of grief: infertility and widowhood? You are allowing yourself to feel the emotions, cry those tears, say those words, journal those thoughts. You are choosing to accept yourself as you are now, and be authentic. It's perfectly fine to avoid whatever torments you, and do whatever is necessary to be as happy as you can. Remember, only you know what you need.

I need to tell you that you are a treasure. It's not every woman who could endure the double heartache you have and not give up hope. Some say God gives the hardest battles to His strongest warriors. When you wonder if you can move forward, remember that.

Can you guess who I am? No? Okay, I will tell you. I'm the laughing, happy woman you know that you can be, on the other side of all that grief you are walking through now. You got married a second time, and gracious sakes alive, Girl! He's wonderful! He loves the me that you worked so hard to become. Thanks for that.

Always thinking of you

Carol Gifford