Any M.

I'm childless by relationship.

I met my partner at the age of 38, we both agreed to not have children. For me, that changed about 2 years later around my 40th birthday. I realized this would be the last chance to have a baby.

All my thoughts from this time on were about having a baby with my partner. I was desperate. Loving a man and being so happy with him and at the same time knowing that I have to live without a child if I stayed with him was kind of driving me crazy.

Last year we had a long discussion and in the end I knew I'd stay with my partner. And with this I gave up hope of becoming a mum. From this day on,  I was deeply in grief. At the same time I was kind of relieved that I could finally live again.

We married this year in January and I'm moving on in my life. Being childless by relationship was the hardest decision I ever made. I never tried to concieve, I never was pregnant.

Now, one year later, grief about being childless, is a part of me. I learned that I'm not alone. There is an awesome community and I met new friends around the world. I just came back from a weekend with childless women and I'm thankful for all the lessons, grief taught me.