Elaine

There are many little pockets of happiness in my life. I find joy in small things, and I intend to keep finding them. I love a walk in the autumn – I’m glad this time of year is back and I can go outside and enjoy it. I’m rediscovering a love of art and have set up some paints and a jam jar of brushes on my desk, ready if I feel the urge to create something. I love pottering at home at a weekend, resetting so everything is neat for the week ahead.

I like scented candles and buying fresh flowers so there’s always something bright and cheerful in my living room. I love creative writing and would like to do more of it. I enjoy cooking, well, I enjoy following recipes and I might try my first roast dinner this year.

I keep finding goals for myself. Firsts that I’ve never done before. I can’t swim and I think wild swimming looks amazing so I want to work myself up to that. I even went to a drama improvisation workshop – just because it scared me and I ended up having a lot of fun.

It’s important to me to try new experiences, to challenge myself and find new things to enjoy.

I’m also trying to do things that scare me. Not skydiving or anything like that. But trying to talk about my infertility. When I found out that I was at the end of my fertility journey, I was shocked. I felt too young for this to be happening. I wanted to be okay and well and happy, so I immediately went into a mindset of “getting over it” which meant not talking about it and pretending everything was fine. I’m slowly beginning to come out of my shell and share my feelings with my friends and family. I’m getting used to the idea that some days I will feel unhappy or triggered by something. I’m also connecting with the Childless Not By Choice network and I feel this will be important in the years to come. I cry often and my tears sting. I’ve read that this can happen when you’re crying over deeply painful emotions. I tell myself that all tears are valid and that this is better than the months I spent not allowing myself to cry. I’m allowed to express myself and each feeling as it happens.

Sadness and joy.

Photo by Alisa Anton on Unsplash