Sarah M

She had spent so long wandering around in the bottom of the abyss. A deep and so very dark abyss. Afraid, anxious, lonely and so very alone, yes very alone. She didn’t know when the agony would end and questioned her purpose in life. What was the point of her if she couldn’t have a child? How come in any event her life  had turned out like this? So very far removed from the one she had dreamed of and to be honest, assumed she would have.  Marriage, children – was there anything unusual in that? How come, she of all of her family and friends had ended up single and childless.

She had known about the ‘Other’ Club for some years. It had been mentioned to her whilst she was still ‘trying’ but she had dismissed it. That was not the club for her. She was still hoping that she would eventually join the club she had always assumed she would join, the ‘Mummy’ club.  That club would however remained elusive to her and that was how she ended up falling into the abyss. 

She could not envisage that she could live a happy and joyful life without children but then out of the darkness came some light, glimmers but nonetheless, light and she could see others, other women stumbling around and looking lost just like her. They had joined the ‘Other’ Club and these warm, friendly and welcoming faces persuaded her to join. These women were kind. They listened to her whenever she wanted to talk, to rant and rave about the unfairness of it all and she listened to them. They had similar stories and they understood, they understood her grief and reassured her that her feelings were normal.They didn’t dismiss her feelings or tell her she should be over this by now.  

They told her she was suffering from disenfranchised grief and that grief is not linear. She decided she would join the Club, this club she had not wanted to join and in doing so she was able to slowly move forwards.

She started to feel some hope. She started to feel some joy and with that came a sense of lightness, a lightness that enabled her to start rising from the abyss, slowly, dipping and diving, circling and swirling, dipping again but still rising. Over time, she dared to enrol on an online weekend course, called ‘Reignite’ She had heard lots of good feedback about this course so she thought she should give it a try. She was desperate to start feeling better about herself instead of feeling stuck. She was apprehensive and nervous but it was one of the best things she ever did and she met some amazing women who are now her friends. Spurred on, she then enrolled on a year long course. It was transformative and she met some more amazing women who are also now her friends. 

She began to feel that there was a purpose to her life. It was not the life she had expected. She still dips. She still has griefy moments. As she nears her seventh decade, she  thinks more about life as an elder childless woman and what that may hold for her but she no longer feels so scared. She no longer feels so very alone because this ‘Club’ , the club she did not want to join has in fact been integral to her healing journey. She has found her tribe and with that has come a sense of belonging and a new found confidence. She realises now that  she may be childless but she is so much more and her life need not be second best but one to be embraced and enjoyed.  When she looks back she cannot believe how far she has come.