Palo Barker

I never thought I would reach 60. When I was a child my mum read my hand and said my lifeline was short and I would die young. I took that to mean 40 for some reason. Thus I went through life believing that I had to live in the period allotted to me and not worry about getting old.

When I was 35 I nearly died, I was diagnosed with a rare chronic condition and was very ill for the first 6 years. Eventually things stabilised and my quality of life improved. I began to think if I lived to 55 that would be great and I would be grateful if I made that.

Well this year I turned 60, it looks like I've exceeded expectations, and I am truly grateful.

I spent 10 years in mourning, after being diagnosed infertile then another 10 learning to accept childlessness. It's now 22 years. I've puzzled over why it took me so long to move forward, and I guess being so ill in the first few years I couldn't focus on my mental health as my physical health was so compromised. I've tended to deal with the most pressing health issue one at time and shelve issues until they reach crisis or a point when I can deal with them.

At 59 I was looking forward to turning 60, I would finally get my private pensions. It would mean I would have more options, I could afford to go out, spend more money on my interests, go on holidays, just enjoy time more. Becoming disabled at 35 ended my career and restricted my financial plans and affected my lifestyle.

This year has been everything I thought it would be. Since starting a swimming class I've made a new circle of friends I see every week. They are all remarkable, talented ladies who are a joy to share time with.

Life has taught me many lessons and happiness has been one of them. Moving forward hasn't just been an intellectual activity, it's been a physical redrawing of my life too. I've moved house, I've changed careers, I've cultivated new friends, I've reconnected with my family (in some ways). I'm not the person I was 2 years ago, let alone, 10 or 20. Physical activity is essential for mental health, it's never optional. Connecting with nature is a level of nurturing we all need. Communing with animals too is a healing activity. Too much focus on self and the past hurts and possible future pain is living too much in your imagination and not in the here and now. Only living in the present can redirect those fears and worries.

I try not to dwell on the past, it happened, let it go. Revisiting it is to re-traumatise myself - why do that? I'd rather poke my remaining seeing eye out with a sharp stick!

When people focus on their strengths and not obsess about their failings then they can achieve great things. We are predisposed to dwell on the negatives, perhaps historically it kept us alive, but we don't face those sorts of risks. Now living in the past serves only to drag us down and fail to appreciate the good in the present. Athletes work on their strengths and seek to hone those, remaining focused on their own sport or area of excellence to get better. We need to focus on the good and the positive and develop that. You are what you think. You create your world. By thinking of the good in your life you train yourself to be more optimistic and happy, but thinking of the bad you train yourself to be unhappy and stuck in the past.

That is not to say any of this is easy, if it was, it wouldn't have taken me so many years to get here! Theory, as always, is easy, it's the practice and application that takes years to master (if it ever is). The mental discipline required to always redirect stray thoughts can be extremely challenging.

I looked at my life and catalogued what I want to do for my remaining years. I figure I have hopefully at least 10. I want to be happy, I don't want to remain stuck in the past or wishing for what never happened or fearing some nebulous unknowable future. Life has wrung me so much, the fact that I survived it, must mean that whatever is thrown my way in the future I will find a route through. Adapt and overcome - not a bad motto to have. It's good enough for me.

Of course there are moments of weakness, moments of pain. But that is all they are, transitory and then quelled. Every moment of every day now is of my choice, whether it's visiting my father, or my sister, or going out with my husband or friends. Whether it's the time I spend on learning languages (currently French, Italian, German, Portuguese, Spanish, Hindi, Latin, Greek or Norwegian on Duolingo. I have 2 accounts which may be cheating!), or learning to play the piano, or crocheting a mermaid's tail for my niece. These are all choices that make me happy. I don't need some big purpose, meaningful lofty goals or aspirations. Life is really all about the little things, not the big, it always was. The years I was really ill, all I craved was someone to share the journey with me, some companionship, and that is something I try to do for others, and have done for the past 25 years. We save ourselves by saving each other.

I came, I lived, it was enough. I am content to be casually forgotten or never remembered, as most people are. I won't be here so why should I care? I care about what happens today and that every day gives me some measure of peace and/joy, the rest is not mine to carry.