Janine Ford

And so

I had to move to the other side of the world

To grieve

In private

 

Away from smug mothers

And the new Madonnas. Blessed with child who boasted

 – it was the best thing they’d done

 – they’d found life’s true meaning

 

So I thought sod you

I’d play hard. No mercy

To show you I’d be no handmaiden

For you. You and your children

 

I’d start again

In a foreign land

With an unfathomable tongue

I'd find my own bloody meaning

 

And there, I’d have adventures

I’d go to Turkey, Bulgaria and Romania

Galicia, Lisbon, Lebanon and Armenia

I’d show you life’s meaning

 

But running hither and beyond

Still standing at the abyss

Staring out to nothingness, it was clear

My empty sack couldn’t stand

 

Cos no Camino trodden or road less travelled

Could cough up that meaning

Unfilled spaces. Missing parts. Too much room

No sense of belonging

 

And in the land of unfathomable words I felt

– isolated

– excluded

– othered

Again.

 

All religions … it's said … begin with a cry for help

But I would cry to no religion

 

Instead

 

I’d call out to people, like me

Who’d wanted badly, like me

Desired fully, like me

Left empty-armed, like me

 

I’d find my horde. My cohort. My group.

My voice. In solidarity.

I’d light up. With others like me

Like flowers

Standing in our own bloomin’ sun

 

So I’m hauling this anchor up

And making for home

No longer lost

Nor looking for something

 

Departing for a new world. The old world

I’m moving back. But forwards


A little easier

A little freer

A little kinder

 

Hope’s return

With nothing but blue sky in my eyes

Not watching, but reaching

Up and on