The hysterectomy was definitely a massive full stop in my life

.

It changed everything

.

The way I thought about the future, and all dreams and plans just ran through

my fingers

like sand;

slipping away

to nothing,

at

my

feet

.

I had some very dark days.

I have found it hard to find purpose.

But I am pushing myself to keep going and find new direction

I hadn't even begun to think about the fact that I escaped pre-cancerous cells for a second time...

All my brain could fixate on, was having no womb, no children of my own, no future.

My thoughts became a never ending list with comma after comma of "what if's" and "now I can'ts".

When the realisation caught up with me that it had been serious,

Serious enough to have to go in for my surgery

a week to the day I sat down

with the surgeon and had "the conversation",

I felt numb.

In disbelief...

It was like someone else's life.

Like I was watching on tv.

Like a bad dream that I would wake up from and be sweating, and thrashing in my bed, safe and sound, feeling full, feeling feminine, feeling whole,

Instead I felt EMPTY.

I am gradually finding my way back to myself though;

I've done a lot of inward thinking.

Self care has definitely become my priority in life, as I by nature have always cared more for everyone else before myself.

Its been tough, but I am finding myself and remoulding my identity and thoughts each and every day...

I will beat this full stop.

I will turn it into a semi colon;

and one day look back on these

difficult times

With strength

AS THEY MADE ME WHO I AM

What happened to me has NOT defined me.

It has helped me find my identity,

and helped me discover the true me.

The me who matters; the me who can shape my future.

I want to help others to find THEIR true "me".

Life is not easy; but we have to make the most of it;

So for now...

Goodbye full stop

I'm not ready for you yet...

I've got so much more to come;

Hazel