I’m 37, married, and childless not by choice.  I don’t exactly fit the mold of your typical “infertility story”.  I can’t have children, but not because of my reproductive organs.  I’m childless by circumstances.  

In Jodi Day’s book, “Living the Life Unexpected: How to Find Hope, Meaning, and a Fulfilling Future Without Children”, she describes 50 reasons why women might not have children.  I breathed a sigh of relief when my reason was listed as #9: “Recovering from addiction, trauma, or mental health issues too late or having a mental health issue that requires medication that cannot be taken during pregnancy, yet without which we would be extremely ill.”

When I was 18, I was first sexually assaulted and developed PTSD.  I also developed an eating disorder (Anorexia & Bulimia) as a way of coping with the trauma.  This also led to depression and anxiety. I was 19 when I first attempted suicide and was diagnosed with Bipolar Type II and a mood disorder. I was prescribed several medications and began seeing a psychologist. 

In college, I abused alcohol as a way to self-medicate, but that only made my depression worse.  Over the next 3 years, I would be sexually assaulted two more times.  My eating disorder would get more severe.  Eventually, I would take a leave of absence from college and enter a Partial Hospitalization program for eating disorders.  I never really fully recovered from my eating disorder though, and ended up in a Residential treatment center in 2010.  I had turned to self-harm as a new way to cope. 

During those 5 years, in between college and treatment, I moved out of state, but had trouble financially supporting myself and couldn’t seem to hold the same job for very long.  My Bipolar medications changed and I became more stable and I moved back to my home state.  I met my now husband in 2012, and we got married a year later, with the intention of having children.  I told myself I had been doing okay and my eating disorder was in remission, maybe I was in the clear.  I still suffered from depressive episodes and severe anxiety though.  I told myself I wanted 5 years of “recovery” under my belt before I got pregnant.  Plus, I needed to stop most of my medications (Class C & D) because they wouldn’t be safe for pregnancy. 

In 2015, I met with a high risk pregnancy specialist and told him about all of my diagnoses and medications.  He had a look of shock on his face and was speechless for what felt like several minutes.  He explained all of the risks to the baby if I stayed on certain medications (from death, to birth defects, to drug induced withdrawl in the NICU).  He explained the risks to my mental and physical health if I went off of my medications.  I was terrified.  I spoke to my psychiatrist about this and he agreed with the specialist about the risks.  I reminded myself of my promise to myself about being stable for a number of years before getting pregnant, and how that had not happened yet.  I decided to wait. 

In the Fall of 2016, I relapsed into my eating disorder and went into Residential treatment, again.  Then in the winter of 2017, I hit rock bottom, relapsed again and attempted suicide.  I was hospitalized in the psych ward, then transferred to an eating disorder Residential facility for several months. My medications were drastically changed.  I noticed a difference in my mood in just two weeks.  

It is now 2020, and I am 37.  I’ve been pretty stable since the Spring of 2018.  I’m in recovery from my eating disorder.  I haven’t had a depressive episode, thanks to my new medication.  I still battle severe anxiety, but I’m working on that in therapy.  I would need a solid 5 years of stable recovery, then more time of being off medication to feel okay about having a child.  That would bring me to my early 40’s.  

It has been a long, hard road for me.  I had a wonderful childhood and know what a good mother looks like.  I can’t be a good mother, with my mental illnesses, and a child deserves a good mother, one who can be fully present.  My husband works full-time and I would be a stay-at-home Mom, I would never get a break.  I have been a Nanny for many years, taking care of newborns and toddlers.  I’m really good at it, but I get to give them back at the end of the day and I don’t work weekends.  So I’ve accepted that this is how children will be a part of my life.  I’m also a Pediatric Sleep Consultant and Newborn Care Specialist and I teach new parents how to care for their new baby and sleep train their children.  

I’m still on the path to acceptance and I’m still in the process of grieving this loss.  I’ve joined some childless not by choice Facebook groups.  I’ve been reading self help books for childless women.  I started seeing an additional therapist that specializes in therapy for childless women. 

I’m determined to heal and live the wonderful life that I deserve.  

We have two wonderful dogs who bring us so much joy and happiness.  We are building a new house that will be ready in the Winter.  I recently launched a small Pediatric Sleep Consulting business, all on my own. 

We are looking forward to what the future holds.

Anon.