I am always very keen to move forward. So keen that I would happily put the pain in a box, label it “dangerous/don’t open” and lock it up the attic for ever. But looking back over my life that has simply not worked for me… The box gets fuller and fuller and erupts like a volcano - with a lava of emotions bubbling over into every corner of my life.

So I look back over these 5 years and I’m proud of how I have been unpacking these boxes. I feel like I’ve healed from the devastating loss of my miscarriages. I may have looked like a crazy person hugging and chatting to cushions pretending that they were my babies in a therapy session but it was one step in becoming free. As was the little goodbye ceremony with candles and words. These rituals of saying goodbye were so important for me in letting go and building up the strength to try again via IVF.

When the IVF failed and my lifelong dream of motherhood was shattered, I again struggled to let go of my vision of myself as a mother. I felt so unbelievably lost, what did my life stand for, who the hell am I. I was grateful for the space that the lockdowns in 2020 gave me, time to hibernate, not pretending but free from judgement and opinions from the outside world.

Then towards the end of 2020 a had a huge breakthrough. I found my people through an online support group. I set up a virtual meetup and have been meeting every 2 weeks since and that love, support and understanding reminded me that there are wonderful boxes hidden up in that attic. Talents and dreams hidden in a treasure chest, that I could not see from the dust and clutter! Little by little I am seeing that the lava did not kill everything off, there are little shoots of hope, and a whisper that perhaps just perhaps I can be happy and live a fulfilled life without children…

The Smiling Scot